All I can do for him now...

One year has passed since our dear friend, brother, son, uncle has left us. It has been the worst year of my life. Not a day goes by without my thoughts being consumed for at least a time- I have learned to fight it off better, but still find it difficult. It consumed me so much that I had an emotional breakdown in August and I have only made it through from being in the Word of God and much prayer from faithful friends.

As I drove home tonight thinking about my brother- it just sank in- there is nothing more I can do for him. There is nothing more to be done. Yes his ashes sit in a jar and his belongings were just moved from one place to another- but for him, personally, there is nothing more I can do for him. Nothing more any of us can do for him. It is a hopeless feeling, so what can I do in memory of him. I will stand up and speak out truth- for he has seen it fully now. Truth that there is life after death; Truth that heaven does exist. And though I cannot make anyone choose it- I can at least present it once again. So that is the purpose of this letter. To once again ask all who miss Chris to consider this statement. The soul lives on- where- is the question to seek answers to.

Do not allow the shallowness or failures of other people that go by the name Christian to keep you from investigating. For, we are all far from perfect. Jesus Christ is the one to research and seek. I do believe with all of my being that I will enter the gates of heaven when I leave this earth. You can read this and think I am crazy, but someday you shall see. Faith believes in that which we have yet to see. One day we shall see, but today my faith is the one thing I have that is not able to be removed from me. I have seen my views of many things change this year. I have desired distance from the very people I have adored. I have faced the truth about people’s choices and there is no denying that others choices deeply affect those who care. I believe influence is the single most important factor we hold as we walk on this earth- in regards to other people. I desire to be a person of great influence. I don’t want to be ashamed of my choices. I want to walk in truth and integrity, but most of all I want to be a person of love. My brother truly was an example of this. He followed those he looked up to though and he chose bad decisions that led to terrible suffering on our part. He was influenced poorly. He had so much potential- he was always a smart kid- talented as a musician, a heart of gold, and full of kindness.

So in honor of my brother- who did accept Jesus in 1999- I share the only thing I think is worth sharing: the opportunity for eternal life. It is as easy as asking the Lord Jesus into your heart and then desiring to learn, grow, and live for and in Him. So as I miss him so stinking much it hurts and I so wish I could hug him and listen to him play his guitar- this is the best thing I can do because everything else has been taken away.

Please know that I realize I have lacked love and I have struggled with judging others and I am truly sorry for this. I hope to live the rest of my days differently. I wrote a song to my brother and I still cannot sing it all the way through without breaking down but here are the words.

“Over the Rainbow”

 

Some time has passed by, don’t know how to deal with the pain inside

Still at times it takes my breath away.

I know that God heals and is near to the broken-hearted, but the sadness

Seems to find its way.

CHORUS:

You are forever in my heart. A piece of me has left with you.

I hate that you left the way you did, but that you’re waiting there with Him

The day I’m over the rainbow, I hope I see your face again.

Over the rainbow- I pray you’re standing there with Him.

VERSE 2:

 All that’s left behind is a whole lot of precious memories,

 that I cling to day by day

 I lay awake at night struggling with where and why o why

Trying hard to fight the pain

VERSE 3:

 I miss you more each day, people say I’ll get use to the pain

 But my heart just keeps aching. In time I may heal and God is my strength and my

 shield, but the tears keep flowing.

 

 

Much love and working through the grief moment by moment… still,

his one and only “Sissy”