We made it nearly a month of being seizure free and I am so thankful for this. That came to an end though with a 4 1/2 min seizure that brought us all back to the stark reality that this isn't over yet. In the midst of the updates shared on social networking, there has been other stresses going on like those rhythmic waves I shared about in a previous post. We know this is life. Hence the familiar saying, "When it rains, it pours" because it seems to be the way it goes. These past few months have been no different.
So I have spent my time doing what I can do...trying to rest, praying much, and doing what needs done day by day. A friend sent me a book about rest some time back, and I read through that gleaning anything I could find to help me. I have these adrenaline rushes that hit me sporadically and so I am working through these as they come upon me, many times in the early morning hours, and many nights- like last night- I don't sleep but a few hours.
As I have been battling through this time, I have begged God for mercy, for His presence. I've heard we ought not to beg God, but that is who I am and where I am right now...a beggar at his feet, praying for strength, but more than that, praying for His presence to touch me or move in me. Over the past month, I was reading in Daniel and when I came to the familiar story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego I just read the words over and over. I prayed they would penetrate to the marrow of my bones and that I would live this out in my life:
"our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace...but if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods..." Dan. 3:17-18
In my side margin I had written "even if he doesn't come through" -this is the work the Lord is doing in my heart. We sing words like, "though none go with me, still I will follow", "all to Jesus, I surrender", etc. We don't truly grasp it a lot of times though. I believe it is impossible to grasp when life is good. This is my opinion from experience. It is easy to say in good times- I surrender...it is mere words with no action.
The rubber has skid all over the road for me as I walk through this time of unknown health issues and fear consumes me at times, among the myriad of other storms that have come upon us in this time. I am depleted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nevertheless, I know God is able to deliver me, deliver my children, deliver my marriage, deliver our finances...
but even if he doesn't let it be known that I still serve Him.
I write that and inhale a huge breathe...
As I exhale I am at rest in this moment. I know I will rise from this little space in my closet where I am writing this out and the battles of the day await. I may forget the statement I wrote at times, but it is taking firm root inside of me and so it will be a permanent part of me. I have always loved the stories in Daniel and I have cried out for the God of Daniel and the God of Elijah to show up for me in these tough times. I haven't been put in a den of lions, or a fiery furnace- literally- but my trials feel like this at times and I am here-awaiting rescue by the same God. I have felt beat up and on the brink of insanity a few times- and I will honestly say, I wasn't sure he was going to deliver me, but even if he didn't or with upcoming things- even if he doesn't- He is still whom I will serve every day I have breathe.
Anyways may we continue to rejoice in hope, be patient in our trials, and be steadfast in prayer. Let us remember who sits on the throne and when we find ourselves sinking with the things in this world, let us cry out to the God who can deliver and may we declare with boldness: nevertheless even if you do not deliver us, I will still serve you, love, you, trust you, and cling to you with what ever amount of energy and strength I have.
Love this song! Check it out!
