It Is What It Is...

This has become a very popular catch phrase. We go through life and there are so many times that the circumstance or the situation just is what it is and you gotta give in to it or at least learn to accept or tolerate or not let it drive you crazy- right! It is a bit of a hopeless phrase though- for it is facing a thought that there is nothing more that can be done about whatever "it" is.

I have been thinking a lot about how God reveals Himself to us. I have been asking Him where He was during some really tough times in the past four years of my life that has had my faith really shaky...where He was with me in those dark moments as I cried out and wailed even at times for Him. He appeared to have abandoned me in my darkest hours and that has caused me struggle. I have walked through this time trying to adapt to this "it is what it is" mentality but my soul struggles to accept this. God's word says He will never leave us nor forsake us. That He is close to the broken-hearted and contrite in spirit. His word also says as I draw near to Him He will draw near to me and all I have been doing for months is drawing near to Him. All I did in the most fearful, dreadful places I have walked was cry out to the only One who could rescue me. Yes I survived the nights, but my spirit, my soul, my heart have taken some major hits. I keep choosing to believe, choosing to trust He is near, and I am still before Him knowing He is God and waiting on His movement in my life.

So as I was driving home this morning after dropping Keira off at school, this all surfaced in my mind. I cannot believe that it is what it is. I cannot believe that God wasn't with me. I cannot believe that the way it has appeared is true because that doesn't align with God's word and His word is TRUTH. So my vision has been limited, my heart has been damaged and unable to feel Him near me. This is the only thing that would fit with His word.

My hope today is that it isn't what it seems, but that He is who He says He is and so I will choose to hold on to that truth and I will continue to ask Him to show me where He has been in my season of sorrow and times of true loneliness.

My verse right now is Jer 17:7-8 and though I didn't think about it as I began this entry, it is so fitting...for my hope is the Lord- that is one thing that I am sure of. In my darkest hours as well as my most ecstatic moments- it always comes back to Jesus in me. Whether I am curled up in the fetal position groaning and  crying or something purely wonderful has happened and my soul wants to scream from the mountain tops- I LOVE YOU JESUS! He is my hope. Whether He shows up in my trials or not- I know that my life is His and though I doubt and am weak- I know He still loves me and that is all I truly need.

Blessed is he who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope IS the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters which stretches out its root by the river, and will not fear when heat comes but its leaf will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Heart Beats Again...

I was honored to hang with my oldest daughter today in between her two jobs. I admire her for many reasons. 
One, though she can get down- she battles her way back to positive thinking and finds good in every situation. 
Two, she has continued living and moving forward as best she can though we have had no sure diagnosis with her health issues (not gonna lie- sometimes she does too much, but at least she is living). 
Three, today has been a very important day in her life the past four years. This year it could have been devastating. She had every right to wallow and be sad or upset...but not this girl. She worked this morning and again this evening, studied for a test in between and put together a little birthday party to bless a friend after her shift tonight. 

Life has been hard these past 8 1/2 months as her world was fully turned upside down. Beginning again is scary at any age and she has done it in a mostly remarkable way. It has been difficult- not gonna candy coat it, but I saw her heart beating again today and for a mom who has hurt along side of her- that was joy to my own heart.

I dropped her off at work and as I drove home this song came on. I have loved the song but today I heard it and thought of her and so I dedicate it to her today.

Marisa your heart is beating again- living again- not just surviving and I am so proud of you for fighting through. You went through the pain and are coming out the other side shining bright. 

Jer 29:11 " "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope." "

Vulnerability...

4/30/16

So I write all the time in my private journal...writing is therapy for me, and I have always said I would like to write a book, yet what am I doing to accomplish that? I keep thinking I need a mentor to walk along side of me, but there has yet to be one knock on my door, so I sit in this place of having time on my hands, yet feeling like I am riding these waves of emotion and they go from excitement and being willing, to fear and doubt...

Allowing myself to be vulnerable has become really hard to do. Four years ago today, life forever changed and though I have accepted the losses that took place, they have changed me to my core. Before then I was more naive maybe is the best way to describe it?? I would write things out and post them after editing some, but really had this inner confidence. Today it is not that way. It is so difficult to put myself out there. There are days, like today, that I am so filled with anxiety and just making it through the day is hard that the thought of opening myself up for others to criticize is the last thing I want to do.

Anyway, each year around the day my brother died, I have tried to do something in his honor. I will also say that each year the thing I have done has either not accomplished what I hoped it would or was not received by the person I reached out to. This year I hadn't come up with anything and so as I have felt this familiar inner torment, I started thinking maybe this year I should do something for me in his honor. I write this thinking that it could also be an utter failure as the past three years have shown to be, but I have heard a lot on failure lately and really- failure isn't the worst thing...not trying is.

So this year I am going to work on being more vulnerable...specifically in my writing. Funny thing is hardly anyone reads my blog, so it seems like I would be more open, but it is the point that it becomes public that stands in my way...the point that it is out there for others to read. So hopefully a year from today I will be able to say I didn't fail, but either way- I will be able to say that I tried.

I miss you Chris, so much and so this year I will write in honor of you. Losing you has changed me- some good and some not so good ways, but I have realized that love does this. We don't escape love without pain and I so love you and miss you and wish things would have been different, but they aren't. I pray I will see you again someday. I don't know if God fulfills this request, but I pray He tells you how much you are loved. 

And yes- it still took me two extra days to post this, but hey...I am doing it.