All I can do for him now...

One year has passed since our dear friend, brother, son, uncle has left us. It has been the worst year of my life. Not a day goes by without my thoughts being consumed for at least a time- I have learned to fight it off better, but still find it difficult. It consumed me so much that I had an emotional breakdown in August and I have only made it through from being in the Word of God and much prayer from faithful friends.

As I drove home tonight thinking about my brother- it just sank in- there is nothing more I can do for him. There is nothing more to be done. Yes his ashes sit in a jar and his belongings were just moved from one place to another- but for him, personally, there is nothing more I can do for him. Nothing more any of us can do for him. It is a hopeless feeling, so what can I do in memory of him. I will stand up and speak out truth- for he has seen it fully now. Truth that there is life after death; Truth that heaven does exist. And though I cannot make anyone choose it- I can at least present it once again. So that is the purpose of this letter. To once again ask all who miss Chris to consider this statement. The soul lives on- where- is the question to seek answers to.

Do not allow the shallowness or failures of other people that go by the name Christian to keep you from investigating. For, we are all far from perfect. Jesus Christ is the one to research and seek. I do believe with all of my being that I will enter the gates of heaven when I leave this earth. You can read this and think I am crazy, but someday you shall see. Faith believes in that which we have yet to see. One day we shall see, but today my faith is the one thing I have that is not able to be removed from me. I have seen my views of many things change this year. I have desired distance from the very people I have adored. I have faced the truth about people’s choices and there is no denying that others choices deeply affect those who care. I believe influence is the single most important factor we hold as we walk on this earth- in regards to other people. I desire to be a person of great influence. I don’t want to be ashamed of my choices. I want to walk in truth and integrity, but most of all I want to be a person of love. My brother truly was an example of this. He followed those he looked up to though and he chose bad decisions that led to terrible suffering on our part. He was influenced poorly. He had so much potential- he was always a smart kid- talented as a musician, a heart of gold, and full of kindness.

So in honor of my brother- who did accept Jesus in 1999- I share the only thing I think is worth sharing: the opportunity for eternal life. It is as easy as asking the Lord Jesus into your heart and then desiring to learn, grow, and live for and in Him. So as I miss him so stinking much it hurts and I so wish I could hug him and listen to him play his guitar- this is the best thing I can do because everything else has been taken away.

Please know that I realize I have lacked love and I have struggled with judging others and I am truly sorry for this. I hope to live the rest of my days differently. I wrote a song to my brother and I still cannot sing it all the way through without breaking down but here are the words.

“Over the Rainbow”

 

Some time has passed by, don’t know how to deal with the pain inside

Still at times it takes my breath away.

I know that God heals and is near to the broken-hearted, but the sadness

Seems to find its way.

CHORUS:

You are forever in my heart. A piece of me has left with you.

I hate that you left the way you did, but that you’re waiting there with Him

The day I’m over the rainbow, I hope I see your face again.

Over the rainbow- I pray you’re standing there with Him.

VERSE 2:

 All that’s left behind is a whole lot of precious memories,

 that I cling to day by day

 I lay awake at night struggling with where and why o why

Trying hard to fight the pain

VERSE 3:

 I miss you more each day, people say I’ll get use to the pain

 But my heart just keeps aching. In time I may heal and God is my strength and my

 shield, but the tears keep flowing.

 

 

Much love and working through the grief moment by moment… still,

his one and only “Sissy”

 

His last day...

One year ago today was the last day my brother would be alive. I sat for my quiet time this morning and as this sunk in- I asked myself- what if this was my last day. How would I want to spend it.

Right away I thought of the things I wouldn't care about- these are the things that consume so much of my thoughts and actions on a daily basis:

clean house, money in savings, retirement, health insurance, new clothes, my agenda for the coming week...

Of course-
I would want to be with my family. Mainly my girls and husband. And really more than just hanging with them because I would definitely want to be wrapping them up in my arms and holding them tight- but even more than that I would want to speak truth out to them one last time. I would want them to know that this world is not all there is. To encourage them to run their race with purpose and focus- keeping their eyes firmly set on the prize.

Life is full of trials and sorrow. I have learned that on a much deeper level this past year. It is hard to keep hope alive at times. However, when we feel overwhelmed or like life is so complex- find a place where you can be still- seek the Lord- and truly ponder- if today was my last day- what would I want to be doing...what would be my focus.

My brother lived his last day most likely enjoying his life. He just chose poorly and paid a great price for it. He had so much going for him one year ago. His future was looking bright- had lots of cash in the bank, had a great job, moved out of mom's house and was finally getting going on things. A year ago today- people would have been saying- right on man- you are doing great! And he had so much to look forward to. However, he would not live to see another day.

I want to live in such a way that if today was my last day that I would have accomplished that which I was here to do. I hope to truly love God and love people fully, sincerely, unselfishly. I have a long ways to go, but this is my desire as I reflect and work through the season I am in presently.

I pray an abundance of love to each of you who read this- I do pray that we would live more and more through the Lord's eyes- that the things that matter less- will not consume us and the things that matter most will be where we exert our energy. We are not promised past today- so lets live like it could be our last. I do believe life will be more meaningful if we do.

Five Minute Friday: Friend

Just writing the word "friend" brings a thrill to my heart. I have had such amazing friends in my life. I am truly blessed in this. Friends are that extra sweetness in life and I truly don't think I would be where I am at today without them.

What is a friend? A friend is someone who loves you despite your failures and who will be honest with you- even when it is tough, but who truly cares for you and you for them. It takes knowing how to be a friend to have a friend and I have found that this is a continual growth process. I am embarrassed of the type of friend I was years ago and thankful for the grace shed on me. Works in progress- always! :)

I have felt the lonliness of life too though. I had no sisters growing up and never had any really close connections with women through my early years. However, I have been blessed with three daughters and I look forward to a friendship with them in years to come. I do hope and pray each of you get to experience true friendship. It is such a treasure.

Much worth the effort! :)

Five Minutes done! (I did have to fix my grammar though, so technically not "unedited"- haha)

In the Name of Love...

We can convince ourselves at times that we are doing things "in the name of love" but could it be a phrase that is said too flippently? Is it a way to cover up the real motives behind what we are doing? Stick with me here...

As a mom, we absolutely love our children and the majority of what we do is out of love for them. However, we must check ourselves because "in the name of love" we can also cover other things that are- lets face it- not love- moreso personal gain. So have you read the definition of love recently? I spent all last week reading it and let me just say- I am pretty convicted.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1Cor 13
 

The first sentence brought me to a screeching hault. Lover suffers long and is kind. Not really desiring to suffer long, nor is kindness on the tip of my tongue these days. So I have been sitting and praying through the situations in my life and walking this road trying to readjust some things in me and seeking the Lord's help for without Him I will not be able to walk in any lasting victories.

These are things I have seen as I have meditated on these words. We (I use "we" cuz I know I am not the only one) do a lot out of selfish desire- even if it is for the common good of everyone else. We operate a lot out of fear or control. Especially as mom's or women for that matter.

Truly though, this definition of love- we gotta remember- who are we to love? Even our enemies right? (Math 5:44) So that removes the justification of being rude or sassy to someone who ticks us off (cuz we know they so deserve it), but love doesn't behave rudely. O and if we are fearful- well- "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear." (1Jn 18)

You with me on all of this. The greatest commandment- to love- Love the Lord with every part of us and love our neighbors as ourselves. It is all about love and we know this and we can try to walk in this, but as I have been reminded (and now so have you) love is so much more than a warm fuzzy feeling inside and opposite of our self-seeking nature. Victory is not in making it through a day without biting heads off- well it is a start, but there is so much more to it than this.

So I share first for myself (I already told you I am self-seeking at the moment haha) to be reminded, but also to encourage you (see I am a work in progress) because we need to get this in our lives. Without it we truly are nothing. Love is hard. That is my addition to this definition, however, it is good and so I pray the Lord helps each of us to increase in pure love for others.

Anyway, this is where my journey is presently and I welcome your feedback.