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| Shyla, Keira, Marisa 2002 |
When did my tone change to that of frustration and disapproval? It has been a slow fade. And you know as I sat and thought about it- I could chalk it up to the "teen age years" and say they are just harder times, but really- I have grown a bit weary. I have stopped putting forth the effort in my tone at times. And time is passing so fast I feel I barely have time to keep up. My girls are great. They are not perfect and we have our moments, but they are such a blessing in my life. When did my voice stop showing that?
It is interesting how little by little bad habits come upon us and if we don't take time to sit and think- we can spend a lot of years getting crabbier and crappier and not even realize it. As I think on why I am in this place- I know it is linked to fear. Fear of their choices, fear of the unknown and YES I am aware that we are not to fear- but as a mom- let's be honest- it is there. We work on the surrender of it, but it seems to be one of the endless battles in our hearts.
The days go so fast. I remember when they were babies and I would hear it all the time and I would take it in and try and savor the moments because I knew it would be this way. I wanted to glean from those words because I knew the time would go by like this. Here we are though, already- young adults being formed before my very eyes. It makes me get a bit welled up with tears. "Slow down!" my heart screams, but all that comes out is harsh words- a mixture of fear and sadness and wanting to hold on to the time that is gone.
So I choose- each time I find myself in this place- to remember that the Lord has a plan in all of this. I know this is the way life goes and I want to embrace each moment, each change, each season. This is good even if I am struggling through. I talked with my sweet friend going through the same thing presently and we are like these momma octopuses with our suctions on these kids we have loved so much for all these years and we don't want to let them go as they are prying themselves away. :) We don't want them to see us as crazy women, so we gotta release. Lord help us release. And in the process, help our voices, our tones, truly express what is in our hearts toward our children- such adoration, excitement for the Lord's plans, and truly so proud of each of them and where they are at today.
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| Keira, Marisa, Shyla 2012 |
HI Rose this brought tears to my eyes because I too am going thru this with Chloe, and I remember doing this very thing when my boys were young as hard as we try to Let Go and Let God we are mothers and a mothers love is so deep we just can't find it in ourselves to do this :( but every point you made hit a moment in my life as well I how ever cling to Chloe for fear of losing another child as I did when my son died life gives us many challenges and as mothers we try to make the right choice so my point is don't be hard on yourself but instead pray for God to give you the strength for what is ahead, our children know we love them I will have a talk with Chloe now and then just to say I love you and I am sorry for my tone or anger at times I just want what is best for you so please forgive me:)
ReplyDeleteSo true. :) I am thankful my girls are full of grace on me. Sometimes more than I am for them. haha
DeleteI just am working on my voice, my tone being a true reflextion of how I feel toward them. :)
I can relate and understand on so many levels. 'They' told me years ago that those were the easy years and it would get oh so hard. I couldn't understand how anything could be more difficult that dealing with no sleep, peed beds, constant spankings, refusal to eat the food prepared..... but now I get it. I look back at at patient mom. One who used daily difficulties to teach biblical character in them- probably seeing something grander than it actually was. Anyway, these years are so hard and these 'older' children challenge this parent that used to think she had it all together. Yeah right! This mama's a mess!
ReplyDeleteThe good news- we are looking in the mirror, seeing where we fall short, and pleading forgiveness and help. He is pleased with such a failing parent because it's really not failure at all. I see digression, He sees progression. Love you sister! And I've always seen you as an amazing parent and lover of God :)