Vulnerability...

4/30/16

So I write all the time in my private journal...writing is therapy for me, and I have always said I would like to write a book, yet what am I doing to accomplish that? I keep thinking I need a mentor to walk along side of me, but there has yet to be one knock on my door, so I sit in this place of having time on my hands, yet feeling like I am riding these waves of emotion and they go from excitement and being willing, to fear and doubt...

Allowing myself to be vulnerable has become really hard to do. Four years ago today, life forever changed and though I have accepted the losses that took place, they have changed me to my core. Before then I was more naive maybe is the best way to describe it?? I would write things out and post them after editing some, but really had this inner confidence. Today it is not that way. It is so difficult to put myself out there. There are days, like today, that I am so filled with anxiety and just making it through the day is hard that the thought of opening myself up for others to criticize is the last thing I want to do.

Anyway, each year around the day my brother died, I have tried to do something in his honor. I will also say that each year the thing I have done has either not accomplished what I hoped it would or was not received by the person I reached out to. This year I hadn't come up with anything and so as I have felt this familiar inner torment, I started thinking maybe this year I should do something for me in his honor. I write this thinking that it could also be an utter failure as the past three years have shown to be, but I have heard a lot on failure lately and really- failure isn't the worst thing...not trying is.

So this year I am going to work on being more vulnerable...specifically in my writing. Funny thing is hardly anyone reads my blog, so it seems like I would be more open, but it is the point that it becomes public that stands in my way...the point that it is out there for others to read. So hopefully a year from today I will be able to say I didn't fail, but either way- I will be able to say that I tried.

I miss you Chris, so much and so this year I will write in honor of you. Losing you has changed me- some good and some not so good ways, but I have realized that love does this. We don't escape love without pain and I so love you and miss you and wish things would have been different, but they aren't. I pray I will see you again someday. I don't know if God fulfills this request, but I pray He tells you how much you are loved. 

And yes- it still took me two extra days to post this, but hey...I am doing it.