Fresh starts...

Who doesn't look forward to a fresh start in life? We can get so caught up in the here and now and lose sight of the bigger picture. A fresh start is what I am desiring- in my walk with the Lord, my marriage, as a mom, etc. I am thankful to move out of the season that just wrapped up, but I desire an excitement for what is to come. I want to view life as an adventure. All adventures have their share of ups and downs, uncertainties and surprises, thrills and excitement. I am looking for the Lord's hand in all of it and trusting and believing He is in every bit of it.

We have a lot of rebuilding to do under our roof. I have spent a lot of time this past year grieving the changes that are inevitably taking place-a big one being... my kiddoes growing up...I keep praying I will embrace them and I have struggled with this, but something changed in me today. I was writing back and forth with a sweet friend who just lost her mom this past week. Her mom leaves an amazing legacy of a lover of Jesus and her daughter has had such respect and love for her. In the midst of our writing back and forth- one of the final things she wrote was- "I don't know who I am or how to be without her here, but I am still functioning." And then she wrote-" I am so blessed she was my momma!"

I have reread this a few times and it fills my heart with so much awe and joy because that is success! We can get so caught up in finances, jobs, paying bills, our needs and our wants- but really when it all comes down to what matters most- it is love! To love and to be loved is the biggest treasure we can have. What a reminder for us as we strive for "things" too often. Yes, we want the love and it isn't that we forsake it, but we can forget the importance of it in the other pursuits of our day to day life.

So my fresh start is coming back to that which matters most- love. And first and most importantly- to love my Lord more. To know Him, experience Him, trust Him, believe Him. I do want to learn to be content in whatever season and circumstance I am in. So I am looking at it like I am on an adventure. I am comforted to know that at the end of it awaits heaven. With this in mind, I don't have to fret so much daily over my circumstance. Even if it is tough- this part is short in comparison. And whether we are blessed with little or much, I will live a full life and leave a legacy with my daughters like this sweet woman did with hers.

My children...

We heard it all the time when we had babies- "O the time will go so fast" and as the toddlers become school age we heard "Wow they are getting so big"- and now we are the ones saying "O my goodness, where has the time gone! They are nearly adults!" Yes, it is true- those sleepless nights that once seemed as though they would not end- have been long gone and now we are preparing for SAT's and looking at colleges! Wow, a few blinks and here we are.

The thing is- I LOVE being a mom! I love my kids being here and hanging out on the weekends. Each night when we watch the news at about 10:05ish the chief of police comes on asking if we know where our kids are and I love to say- Yes, they are all in their beds, sleeping safe and sound! (Silly- maybe but in the same sense- I know too soon those days are coming that they won't all be under the same roof.) I get it, I know it is the way it suppose to be. Parenting is a temporary job. I fought the beginning stages of parenting back in 1994 and had a lot of selfishness to die to along the way, but now I am grieving the season changing.

Mind you I know not all of them are about to flee the nest, and I would love for them to hang around for their first year or two of college, but the fact is- we are on the downward slope of this mountain. I am so thankful for the uniqueness each of them have brought to our family and I am so proud of them.

Things I have seen recently that are treasures in my heart: Keira taking a spelling test and because it was a review list- she had some words showing on her paper and she took time to scratch it all out so she would not be able to cheat. She has done things like this on her own many times. I love that each Sunday she remembers to bring her own communion cracker because she doesn't like the ones at church. We go to grab the cup and she pulls her cracker out of her pocket week after week. haha I love their faithfulness when they say they are going to do something- like read for a timed amount of time- they do it to the sound of the buzzer. My oldest, Marisa, will disagree with choice of clothing, but most days she will come back out having changed into something I approve of- though I didn't "make" her do so. My Shyla- has shared some wise insight recently and it just made my heart swell with joy. She is gaining wisdom as she fumbles through her first year of high school. She has always been so encouraging to her older sister too in the many things Marisa has done from gymnastics to soccer to writing and singing songs. It has not all been easy- life isn't easy. These moments are so precious to me- seeing their character take shape and I love to see them choose right- not because I am standing over them, but because they want to do it the right way. I hope and pray they will always come back to this place- even if they detour for brief periods of time. They are so much wiser than I was at their ages. I am blessed beyond measure to be their mom.


Just one of those mommy kind of days that I am playing the reel of life through my mind and I must say- thank you Lord. I am so very appreciative for this life you have given me to walk in. Some days and seasons are tough (and this is one presently) but I still have so much to give thanks for. Just their breath of life today is a gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Denying self...

My husband and I are in a time of reflection on where we have been and where we are heading. We are at a type of intersection- I would say. Behind us lays our choices we made- jobs passed up, homes sold, detours taken and we compare that to where we are now- mostly in relation to struggles and we wonder what do we do on the road ahead?? We seem to be in a place where all our choices are colliding and we've been a bit down trodden- truthfully.

I have been battling some things and praying I remember what we were thinking when we chose what we did. I sat this morning remembering some of the reasons for our choices and in the worlds eyes it sounds foolish. My husband passed up travelling jobs that offered a lot of money so he would be home with the family. I was a stay at home mom to be with the kids full time. We homeschooled for the first 8 yrs of each of the girls education to be their biggest influence. We moved from the country and community we loved to be near my dad who was ill. In the moments the decisions needed to be made- we did pray much and feel a peace about it. However years later, we struggle with did we make the right choice? Should we have been a family that strived more for better finances? Should we have remained in our 15 year morgage and be half way through having a home owned free and clear? Did we miss the wisdom from the Lord?... Cuz I was seeking it.

This morning, I have a different perspective. We have made it through. It has been a battle, yes, but we have riches money can't buy. We have no material treasures tethering us in this world. I ponder- is this my own "build up my choices speech" and I think not. I just am reflecting on our choices and most of the time I feel like we have missed the mark. Today I rest in- that our choices have been out of denying ourselves. We haven't done what is best for ourselves. We have done what is best for our children and family members and yes even as it has all panned out- much seems foolish. Kids are struggling, family is dramatic, but our choices were based on faith and love and love is what lasts.

Struggles abound and the mountain we see through this intersection looks steep and there is no certainties for our future this side of heaven. God has always been with us though- and in the moments, by faith- we believe He lead us to where we are today, so on we will go- moving forward- whatever/wherever that might be. I hope this encourages someone who may feel in a similar place today. May we each feel His presence and His love- for there is nothing better than that in this world!

Road Block...

This is what took place in our life a couple weeks ago now...
Yes, there were warning signs that rocks were falling. Yes there was the effort to get off this road, but when the boulder fell- it rocked us into a season of uncertainty and brought about so many emotions.

The fear of the unknown future. The waves of anger because it really didn't have to end up like this. The jolt of impact shook us to the core. Did we mess up? Were we being punished? Did we overlook an open door? Did we not listen to the Lord somewhere along the way? Immediately, I choose to switch thoughts to thinking of things we can be thankful for, and praying for covering, for provision, for peace. Also I was reminded- we were never promised this life would be easy and we should not be surprised by boulders that block our path.

We began doing what we could do- we search for another direction of travel. We are open to whatever road the Lord has for us. Yet, I battle the fretting of how long will we sit in this place- waiting for the boulder to not be so blinding and devasting. I worry about how we meet the needs and comfort our sweet children who have such full lives and desires. I battle to trust in the One who is our provider because I know many go a long time in this season of being at a road block like this. I wonder how can we become any tighter financially than we have been. Holding back thoughts is like trying to hold back the flood gates.

I settled in my heart a long time ago that there is no where I would rather be than where God puts me and I feel this even stronger today. In the midst of the tough times I have already walked through I know He is always working something better in our lives. Even in tremendous sorrow, I know we have hope and healing somewhere in time. It sure doesn't take away the pain for today though- does it? We do have His peace that passes understanding- but that can even be flighty as the waves of emotion hit us and more rocks- though smaller than the big boulder continue to fall upon us.

I will choose to say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" He does give and take away and though I fear and fret- I will remain by Him. He is my breathe, my strength, my joy, my rock! He is bigger than any boulder and able to do abundantly more than we can imagine.

Armor of God- By Randi Feland

This was written by a sweet friend for a Bible study we are in together. I thought it was something to share and with her permission here it is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Written by Randi Feland:

Okay, so this marks number 4 of attempts to post...in short, my computer hates me and the feeling is mutual..soooo I shall attempt this again.

So, the armor of God...First and foremost, the three most important things (the shield, the sword, and the helmet) are not things that we can create ourselves. We cannot make up our own saving faith or salvation itself, nor can we create our own version of the Word of God that is under authority of the Spirit of God. The other things (belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, and shoes of readiness with the Gospel) I think can almost be a change of behavior sometimes rather than a change of heart. It can be moral actions, lots of correct knowledge and facts, etc. But then you are just standing on a battlefield with cool looking belt, breastplate and shoes. A soldier needs more than cool shoes and a shiny breastplate...we need more than right actions, nice slogans, and stacks of bible commentaries...we need the Lord.

 The shield of faith is exactly that when I think what faith does in my own life, and what it cannot protect me from when I neglect to hold it up. I picture a soldier on a battlefield again, full armor, but no shield..there are rocks, arrows, all sorts of things being thrown his way, and he may not be killed, he may even make his way across the field, but he's crawling, beaten down, barely making it across because he's trying to make it through on his own, there is nothing to hide behind. That is what I'm like when I try to be a better 'christian', when I think that breastplate of good behavior, or righteousness, is thick enough to drop that shield of faith. Or when I think I know enough, when I think it would be much better if I could make the battle plans and map- I know whats best for me. Can't I just be rid of this 'faith' thing... because there are some days when its pretty heavy and cumbersome, and can't I make it farther without lugging around that big ol thing? No, I can't and I won't.

 There are a few things that I can't help noticing when I read about our weapon and the enemy's (and this may have something to do with just recently reading all the Hunger Games books and seeing the movie, but anyway..). First, Paul gives the enemy 'flaming arrows' to work with and the more I thought about it, this totally suits the enemy we face doesn't it? Because you don't have to even be seen (and in fact its better to remain hidden) if you are shooting arrows at people, you don't need to be right in front of someone to harm them. We never see the enemy at work until, often, its too late. He is flinging arrows all the while but sometimes we are oblivous that we are even under attack. And second, the arrows themselves, not only do they pierce (for immediate wounds and fatalities) but they are on fire, thus causing more damage and scarring. Our enemy wants us to remember our hurts, our losses, he wants us to mourn our defeats. Its not a pinprick, a stubbed toe..its a burning arrow in your flesh, in your spirit, it is there to defeat you. Its gonna hurt to remove it (the sin, the habit, the person), and its gonna take some time to heal.

Finally, our weapon, the sword. Its a close combat weapon, and one that needs to be used correctly. You need to know who you are targeting and where and how you are going to take them down. At first, it kind of seems smarter if we are the ones with the flaming arrows...just shooting out prayers and hallelujahs, and kind of randomly trying to take out the enemy. Because that would be safer.  But we aren't called to do that. It takes going back to the first couple chapters of Ephesians to remember again who we are and what we are chosen for. We were predestined for victory. So we don't need to be the ones hunkered down in a battlefield. Or remain incognito so the enemy won't find us. We should be running through enemy encampments, knocking down strongholds and blazing through evil schemes and traps. Paul doesn't say 'and take up your horse of the Spirit and ride like the wind in the other direction.' or 'and hunker down with shield of faith and make a campfire of the Spirit and just stay warm and cozy till help arrives.' No, he says, here take this shield, take this helmet and take this mighty sword and lets rock! (okay, he doesn't say lets rock but I'm sure if there was a soundtrack to Ephesians it would include some ACDC). So, I can do this life. I can lead my children, I can pray with and for my husband, I can worship with abandon, I can follow where He tugs my heart, whether its to the ends of the earth or the end of the block, I can give my money to Him, I can step out boldly and talk to a stranger, I can hold that shield and swing that sword and rejoice mightily unto Him when another wicked scheme of the enemy is turned into Glory for the Lord. I can do this! Because He has chosen me for it, equipped me for it, and empowered me for it. And He will never let me fail.

Monday Meditation: One Thing...

I sit this morning meditating on Matt 26:36-41. Jesus is in the Garden, takes a few disciples with Him and is there to pray- to meet with God and plead for a way out if possible. Now we know the whole story, but they didn't. I would have went to sleep like they did- I am sure of it. I can barely keep my eyes open passed 9pm. Here is Jesus though- stressed and struggling. This comforts me. I know what He was about to face is something much larger than anything I face. He knew the outcome- God had the plan and He was going to overcome. It was just an extremely tough road ahead.

In His anxiety (deep distress my version says)- He goes to the One who could change circumstances- He is fervent in prayer. He lays out His request, but surrenders His will.

Just take that in...Lord this is what I want to do with my worries. Help me walk in the balance of doing my part in things, but learning to rest in Your plan and to surrender to Your will. Lord, I see my spirit is willing and my flesh is weak. I pray for your strength in my life. I desire to grow in Your way and live as You have called me to live. Help me in my struggles and in the end may I surrender to Your will each time.

I think of the song that says- Empty me, Empty me...and Fill me, with You, with  You. ("Holy Fire") Lord I see I have so much that needs to be emptied inside of me. And Lord, if You choose not to change my circumstances, than I pray for your peace and strength to walk the road ahead. I, too, know that ultimatley I will overcome as heaven awaits, but it is the sufferings between now and then that have me tossing and turning and clenching my teeth and fretting each day. Have your way in my life Lord. May I be surrendered before you.


You are the One Thing I need. I do know that. Help me live that out day by day, moment by moment.
You are good, all the time. I believe that. I know You love me and that is the sweetest thing in life.
My desire is to please You so direct my path Lord and help me follow no matter how difficult it is.
There is no one else to go to but You. You are life to me. (Jn 6:68)