Quiet Grief

We have hit the two year mark of my brothers unexpected and unnecessary death. I have learned a lot about grief in these past two years. I have walked through the different stages and continue to walk them. I have struggled in deep waters emotionally, spiritually, and physically through this time. I also have seen life move forward, as it always does, as I knew it would from the moment the news reached my ears. Life is different now though.

 

Life will forever be different.

 

The majority of this road of sorrow has taken place in the quiet, behind closed doors. There are two days a year you feel free to speak out about it- his birthday and his death anniversary. His birthday is New Years Eve- and most are celebrating. So this is the day I will speak about it~ the day I will shout out to my little world- 

 

I MISS HIM SO MUCH STILL!

 

I still think about him every day. I still fight back tears at moments notice, when something triggers a thought or memory- unexpectedly- of him. I still beg God for a vision that he is in heaven.

 

There are lessons I am learning as I move forward day by day-

 

First- as I read the Word there is comfort. God is faithful to comfort through His Word.

 

Second- Life is precious, influence is huge. I wish parents, siblings, and friends grasp this to the depth it should be grasp. Your influence can make a difference- does make a difference. For good or evil is determined by your choices.

Third- Acceptance with Joy- as Hinds Feet on High Places says- I have walked along the Sea of Lonliness, my only companions were Sorrow and Suffering and in that place I learned Acceptance with Joy.

It is not easy, it is not fun. It is necessary to continue to move forward and heal.

 

 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33

 

 

We will all go through loss in life. Just know when you do, you aren't alone. Even as the world moves on, the Lord is near those broken and He does tend our wounds. That doesn't mean the sorrow stops or the pain ceases, but He will be with us even in the deep places and the quiet grief we continue to walk.

 

Love hurts

I sit and glance through photos. My heart is filled with a mix of sorrow and gladness. It is a bittersweet thing and I am not sure I like it or want to continue looking and endure it all.

Now I realize I am still healing from much brokenness, but pictures (and videos) have been a big part of my life. I could be called the historian of the family. I love capturing memories with the cameras and we have been a home that has viewed family videos over and over. It is now intermixed with a sorrow that I believe will remain and grow as I continue to journey on this earth.

I have journaled so many things I am going through in my heart just this morning. I think things are surfacing more as they have been so deep for so long. I can barely keep up with it all at moments. As I look through the photos that is what begins to happen. I am overwhelmed with floods of emotions from one extreme to the other. I see longings unmet or destroyed. I see faces that I can't call up or hug anymore. I see relationships that have deteriorated due to life choices and I just set the photos down.

I learned a word this week and I have it written on my mirror in the dining room- it is "panpharmacon." It means the medicine for all wounds or diseases. I have read it over and over again and have meditated on the meaning. Jesus is our panpharmacon. He isn't like most medicines we take. He doesn't disguise the pain or temporarily relieve it. It is a process because He heals from the inside out. It is at times more painful than you think medicine should ever be. We want the quick fix. We have become the fast food society- the fast pace techno people. God forbid we sit through a commercial on tv anymore- we want to skip through it. And those darn red lights when we are driving! ha! So annoying. So yes, when our Physician seems to be worsening our condition- it is hard to take in. It literally is hard to breathe in at times. For it seems there is no pain reliever in this all consuming medicine. 

Maybe we learn more when we feel the pain. Maybe the pain is exactly what we need, to be more like Him. He suffered tremendously for us. So as we face the coming seasons we all will, inevitably, face. Let's remember that Jesus is the one medicine we need. He is our panpharmacon. It may seem like and hurt like hell, but He is there with us- even when we can't feel Him. I am convinced of this though, personally, I have not felt Him near very often these past two years.

Love hurts. It is what drove Jesus to Calvary for you and for me. It hurt to hang on that cross. It hurt to have a time of separation from God Almighty, His dad whom He knew from the beginning. He didn't allow the pain to stop Him. It was love that drove Him there. Lord may your love drive us to do the things you have for us to do. May your love and the hurt that comes with it not make us bitter, but better people. May we allow you to be our panpharmacon. May we turn to you and you alone.

Five Minute Friday: Fly

I think of the way a bird glides through the air.
Freedom is what "fly" makes me think of.

Such a peaceful view- it seems nearly effortless as a bird flies over head.
How wonderful it is- that feeling of freedom.

As I get older I have to fight more for this freedom.

Interesting how we can get stuck in a rut, and find we've bound ourselves either by hurts we have had or rules we think we need to follow. There are many other reasons we stop living in freedom-

but we must remember
we must remind each other

We are free! We have Jesus and he came to set us free. We can fly like eagles or waddle like ducks- it is our choice.

So lets fly in the freedom of Christ and enjoy each day in His freedom. He wants that, I want that, don't you?



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The Honey Jar...

It isn't that I have overlooked the fact that I have guarded this honey jar. It is a silly thing- I know. Yet it seems to be so important to me and as it is nearly gone- I just have such a sadness in me about it being emptied.


Honey isn't necessarily my most favorite thing. I like it mixed with butter for rolls and I love it in tea when I have a sore throat. I have kept this jar and held it back as much as possible. I have even prayed that it would never run out. It is though. In fact the jar is nearly empty and even as I type that my heart aches.

My girls have been sick over the past two weeks and so we have made a lot of tea and used the remainder of the jar of honey. As I scoop up a spoonful for their cups, I talk it out, "It is ok Rose, this isn't what you are really missing. Let it go." And I will, I know.

It disappearing is just another part of what once was, still slipping away.

See it isn't about the honey really. It is about what it means, or rather where it came from. It was given to me by my mom and it belonged to my brother. So it is like a piece of him that I still have had. We would talk about teas and make a cup when he would visit. And so my heart grieves some more as the last bit of his honey is being used up. He would have used it up months ago- he didn't savor things for later.

Though I would never have thought a jar of honey could be so valuable to me, I have to say with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat- it has been a prized thing in my home and this week it will be in the trash- empty and no more.

In all my self-talk to help me through the down moments, and my silly attachment to a honey jar,the truth of it all is- I just miss him so much. I know so many of you have someone you miss too. Praying God's healing hands on our hearts today.

Weeds sprouting...

I am no where near a gardener. I have a couple of friends that are amazing at growing gardens and beautiful flowers and I LOVE all of it, but I am not a "green-thumb" at all. Right now my back yard is dead grass because I don't have the ability any longer to set a timer and have the sprinklers do their thing. I go through and weed a couple of times through the season and I try and keep some flower baskets alive around my front and back doors. I do love a manicured lawn though. In fact a fresh cut, green yard is a beautiful thing to me. :)

Well I have been living on an extended weekend. Everyday has seemed like a Saturday (except we have no soccer games to run off to). Between family camp and a wonderful trip to Hawaii and the recover time from all the planning and packing to unpacking...well...life has seemed to be on one big long weekend. It has been great too, a much needed time of relaxing and rejuvenating.

However, things still pile up and weeds still grow!

So this fine Saturday morning, I thought I should get to some of those overgrown weeds out back. I had noticed some growing in my blueberry bush in June and had thought, "Ah I will get to those soon." Here is it nearing August, needless to say, they had overtaken the plant.

As I pulled- I had to dig down and some of those roots seemed to have made their way all the way down to the bottom of the barrel. It was surprising how big they had gotten and as I yanked and tugged and flicked soil up all over me in the process, some things stood out that relate to life. Nothing profound, but just some gritty little truths.

First off as I tugged on the weeds and realized how set those roots were- I was reminded about the ways of this world and how we can start off with just a little seed- if you will- and once the seed is set it can implant itself so deeply that it begins to look like more of who we are and distort us. For we are children of God, to be filled with joy and hope of what is to come, but we can so quickly start to look like those who have no hope- wandering through life aimlessly- too focused on the moment at hand.

I also saw as I tugged those big weeds out that some soil was lost with it. Soil giving life to the plant as the Word is our nutrition for living-and at first I was like- geesh- that stinks, but then realized how easy it is to refill. I have a bag of fresh soil in the garage waiting- just as we always have the Word at our fingertips to refill our needing souls.

Lastly, I rejoiced in two things-
One- it cleaned up pretty quick. See the blueberry plant was well established and maybe had it not been being nurtured a little over these past couple of months it may have not made it- but it had faithfully been watered and it really was pretty healthy in spite of the overgrowth of weeds that had taken root.
 And this was a sweet blessing for me to take in. For I have been established but the hard knocks of life have overtaken me. I have had some big obstacles I have been up against and am still up against. However, the Holy Spirit has nurtured me- though at times I have been just sustaining- He has kept me watered enough. And so seeing how beautiful the blueberry bush looks now with that rich soil and the lush leaves and the fruit that is growing on it- it is a picture of hope this morning for my soul.

The second awesome part of it is that it is free again to just focus on doing what it was created to do- bear fruit. It has been freed from the things beneath the soil that has been battling with its root base. Those things are pulled out now and so it is free to do what it is suppose to do. That is a marvelous thing! For many things cause battles inside of us- grief, addictions, hatred, selfishness- the list could go on and on- but what an amazing thing to be freed.

I just read Galatians this past week and it all just ties in so perfectly (so like God). As the book talks much about our freedom. O I pray we walk in the freedom we have in Him, that we understand really what that means (for our society has a misconstrued definition of freedom), and that we are full of love and joy and hope- for those are the most precious possessions we can have.

Blessings on your day today!



A new season begins...

As I reach for plates to set the table I grab five- out of habit- then release the last one because we are now a table of four. My heart sink down a bit...

It is not that I have never set the table for only four before- but I know that this is the new normal for our home and it will take some getting use to.

My oldest moved out while the rest of us went camping. It was best that way, but we come home to an emptiness and I have to say it isn't the best feeling. I keep reminding myself that parenting is for a season and kids living at home well past the time they ought to is not really such a blessing. However, in this moment it brings that familiar friend I have had with me for far too long...sorrow upon my heart.

I recently read a little story* about Mr. and Mrs. Sparrow as their little sparrows had flown the nest and Mrs. Sparrow was having her tears with it (as all us momma's can understand) and Mr. Sparrow though understanding, prods the Mrs. on to fly on to the next adventure. Anyway it was so precious to my heart at the crossroad I am at- not coincidentally I wake one morning and my girls discover a nest out back.

So I have watched these birds over the past few weeks and have seen how fast they have grown- doesn't our time with our kids go by so fast.

The first period of time all they did was sit there with their mouths open, waiting for food to be fed to them. Those were physically exhausting days as a new momma- long nights at times too. I remember feeling like I couldn't see the light at the end of that season and it seemed overwhelming at times.

Very quickly, the birds grew from these featherless, helpless little creatures to looking like they are content, eyes opened wide, and resting in the nest- but not for long. I think of Mary and the treasures she stored in her heart through Jesus's childhood- I too am full of treasured moments with my girls.

I see now that the birds are so big they are scrunched up in the nest and I know too soon they will take that first flight and then venture out on their own. This is the place I experience today.

It is what is suppose to happen- we know this- but o it is a hard one.

Anyway, these are things on my heart tonight as I return home...



A little blessing and lesson from the Lord. :)

 

Us with our little "sparrows"

* "Feathers From My Nest" by Beth Moore is the book that story is from.

Five Minute Friday: Rhythm

GO...
A consistancy is in rhythm- a beat of music or the beat of a heart or the beat of living. A routine is formed through it...
The thought of this brings security to me.
When we are in good rhythm life seems good. We can feel like we are on top of the clouds at times.

I have always been fond of music. In fact growing up- my dad use to tell me he could tell what type of day I had by the way I played the piano after school. Now I am a mom and I see too- how my girl's face looks as she gets in the car- how the beat of their day went.

Life can be out of sync at times too and those times are not as good, but obvioulsy necessary for our good. Through these times just our faith will keep us moving and how good it is to have faith.

I heard something earlier today that I wrote down because I thought it was worth remembering...
It was  teaching about perservering with joy and remembering Who we serve through the tough stuff and he said, "What you got in your hand will always be enough when God is the One aiming your sling."

I love it! Even when our life is off beat, not in rhythm- our God is always keeping the beat and He does not lose sight of His masterpiece He is writing in each of our lives.

So Lord, help us hold on to that when everything else seems off. Help us hold on to You and to keep believing You are holding on to us.

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5

STOP

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