One month...

It has been a tough month in our home. We are getting by moment by moment, but it hasn't been pretty and it hasn't been easy. In this time, I am thankful for those around us who care so much. Those who pray for us and have served us in numerous ways. Through this time, I am thankful for God and the strength He provides when we have no strength of our own. It is a moment by moment process we are in, never knowing when we are all all of the sudden overwhelmed with grief that seizes us like it did initially- the heaviness of heart- an ever present reminder that our loved one is gone.

Of course we have all walked the road of regrets- could've, should've, would've- we have searched the photo albums, shared stories, dealt with the material possessions, and now treasure those things that were so precious to him. They don't replace what's lost, but they are dearer today than they were before because he isn't here anymore. O how we would give them all up for the presence of him though.

We have faced the fact that it is going to be a tough time moving forward. We will be flooded by saddness by the very thought or sight of certain things that trigger memory. O how my heart aches for my parents- every parents worst nightmare. Many live through it though- forever changed, forever heart broken.

I seek God day and night for peace of where he is for eternity and I get nothing but silence. O- I hear Him in other things- like check your childs phone or pray for your friend- but no answer to- please tell me he is with You. I just want to know He is with you. Nothing but my heart beat answers back and tears flow.

Life has been turned upside down for me. I do what I have to do in my day. I seek the Lord for comfort and direction. I know I don't walk this road alone- it is a road travelled frequently. I also know the Lord will get me through. I know that no matter how down I am I will say blessed be your name- you give and you take away. I know that I long for heaven more and more each passing day, and I know the Lord hears my prayers even when I feel like they aren't getting through.

God has a plan and I will continue to remind myself of that as I struggle through this season. I will say though- if you are reading this and someone is on your heart to share Jesus with- pray for an opportunity. Cuz in the end- when a life is over on this earth the only thing that matters is- did they love Jesus? We know this and at times live it out, but when you do lose someone- you will find yourself saying- I could've done more, I should've said more, I wanted to show more of Jesus... and the reality is- it is too late now.