Road Block...

This is what took place in our life a couple weeks ago now...
Yes, there were warning signs that rocks were falling. Yes there was the effort to get off this road, but when the boulder fell- it rocked us into a season of uncertainty and brought about so many emotions.

The fear of the unknown future. The waves of anger because it really didn't have to end up like this. The jolt of impact shook us to the core. Did we mess up? Were we being punished? Did we overlook an open door? Did we not listen to the Lord somewhere along the way? Immediately, I choose to switch thoughts to thinking of things we can be thankful for, and praying for covering, for provision, for peace. Also I was reminded- we were never promised this life would be easy and we should not be surprised by boulders that block our path.

We began doing what we could do- we search for another direction of travel. We are open to whatever road the Lord has for us. Yet, I battle the fretting of how long will we sit in this place- waiting for the boulder to not be so blinding and devasting. I worry about how we meet the needs and comfort our sweet children who have such full lives and desires. I battle to trust in the One who is our provider because I know many go a long time in this season of being at a road block like this. I wonder how can we become any tighter financially than we have been. Holding back thoughts is like trying to hold back the flood gates.

I settled in my heart a long time ago that there is no where I would rather be than where God puts me and I feel this even stronger today. In the midst of the tough times I have already walked through I know He is always working something better in our lives. Even in tremendous sorrow, I know we have hope and healing somewhere in time. It sure doesn't take away the pain for today though- does it? We do have His peace that passes understanding- but that can even be flighty as the waves of emotion hit us and more rocks- though smaller than the big boulder continue to fall upon us.

I will choose to say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" He does give and take away and though I fear and fret- I will remain by Him. He is my breathe, my strength, my joy, my rock! He is bigger than any boulder and able to do abundantly more than we can imagine.

Eyes that see...

In the midst of trials we encounter, there is a greater awareness that can surface at times. For the past few weeks as I have been seeking God's way out of where I am at- something bigger has happened. I have seen things that I would most likely have been too busy to notice otherwise. Things like-

people embracing w/tears sliding down their cheeks, an older man praying over his wife, a little girl clapping off beat, kids walking home from school just chatting and being kids

but with all these things-I see beyond what my eyes take in- like the dreams and desires that they each stand for, battles we all go through and the simple pleasures in life like laughter-and these are the thoughts in my head-

Your loving kindness is better than life. The riches of your love will always be enough- even if nothing gets better. I want to breath you in and out- filled with more of You. May I be open to being poured out for your glory and purpose. And again and again I hear- "no sweeter name" than Jesus.

So on I go- taking it in, but honestly I have been so busy that I haven't fully thought about it all until today. Today is the day I record these swirling thoughts down. I know God is at work and I know I don't need to figure out how or why, but I just need to receive it and be open and listening for His sweet voice. I hope you take time today to hear His voice. There is nothing more precious nor more important than Him. I forget that at times, but that is what He is reminding me of, in my present circumstances. Nothing is a guarantee this side of heaven. The Lord gives and takes away and I pray often that I will be able to say in every step of it- Blessed be Your name. It is a tough thing as the rubber meets the road. May we have eyes that see His way and purpose and when we can't get there- may we just trust and serve Him. Phil 4:4-13 Lord may I live these verses out. Rejoice in the Lord always and again I will say, rejoice! Be anxious for nothing...think on the true and pure and right things...content in all situations...and walk in Christ's strength.

Unravelling...

Well, this is one word that describes these passed months in the Hillburn home. We have so many things that are coming apart. I keep praying that it stops or new doors open, but so far we are still here, slowly unravelling and waiting. It has been inter-mingled with some amazing things as well, but in the core of my being I feel things slowly coming a part. At first it was like a roller coaster ride of emotions, but as the months have passed on- I am learning things in it- like how to be content in the circumstance and growing (minutely) in patience. :)

I was at the coast with two dear friends some years back and saw a saying in a shop we were walking through. It has stuck with me and I have told myself it in different seasons...this season being one.

"Put your Big girl panties on,

and deal with it!"

There are times in life that we just gotta tell ourselves this! Those "rubber meeting the road moments" in our lives... You are faced with disappointment or unexpected/undesired news or life is just in a season of being in the pits- we gotta push through things. So many times recently, I have had to keep this mentality in mind-I didn't realize that life would be this tough. All the responsibilities and decisions can be overwhelming. For years, I have had that energy that makes me feel like I am queen of my own little world, but lately- not so much of that going on here. Words like overwhelmed, exhausted, no right answers are more accurately where I have been.

Some days I feel like I can do nothing more than the task at hand...some days I feel like I have tried so hard to do what needs to be done and it all has went wrong...some days I just feel like I am out of sorts and just need to go back to bed. These are all new things in my life. I had nearly convinced myself I was in control- mostly. I mean I know the Lord is the One in control, but under Him I had things working all right. All that has crumbled underneath me and I now feel that I am back to square one of learning and figuring things out. Anyone, know what I am saying??

Some of us are going through some really big things right now and so I hope you keep your focus on the Lord and tell yourself on the days you need to hear it- put those big girl (or boy) panties on and push forward- even if it is little steps. Perspective is so important in tough times and remembering that this life is only part of the whole picture helps to keep hope alive. So I find that I am waiting on the Lord to move, to heal, to give direction.

"Those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Is 40:31

When the rubber meets the road...

Yes this is the main title for the blog, but it is where I find myself once again...

How do we get through the times in life that seem so hopeless? How do we find the strength to hold on when there seems to be nothing to hold on to? I had a college class today and the question was asked, "What word comes to mind when we think of spirituality?" My first thought was God, but as we had to share with people and I was still pondering it- the word that came to mind was- Hope. That is what my spirituality is- hope in more than this- hope in a God bigger than all of this.

O, how a heart can grieve. If you have never seen the movie "The 5th Quarter"- you should check it out. It is a heart wrencher, so be forewarned- keep kleenex close by. Today a friend of my daughter- lost a cousin. Recently in our community two kids died of cancer, a friend of my mom's just killed himself a week ago. How hard it can be to keep hope going when things seem so horrible around us.

Our family is going through a tough time and yes we can be thankful for many things- we are in good health and are blessed in many ways, but we have some tough things happening- out of our control. It has been a difficult time and today was another unexpected blow. My mind is racing, I am trying to fix it on the Lord and realign my perspective. But let me just be plain honest- it is so stinking hard! It is hard to keep hoping when things keep looking so grim.

So what do we do in these moments? How do we cope with the reality at hand? When the rubber meets the road- it hurts! There is no doubt about it! So I will do the only thing I can do- be still and know that God is God.

Lord I do come before you feeling so broken,

I know there are many people out there that are broken too

and so I lift them up as well right now. I pray for them, for their hurts and struggles.

Please God, we need you to move in a big way.

I feel like nothing short of a miracle is going to change our circumstances.

Please help our hearts to trust you, no matter what happens.

Please help us be thankful for the little things everyday, may we not take anything for granted.

You are bigger than our problems and I choose to trust you.

May we not be consumed with sorrow.

May we not allow our hearts to harden.

May we allow ourselves to hurt and then heal.

Your word says- sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning-

fill us with your joy Lord- not false joy, but pure, true joy.

Please help us be about serving others and showing your love to those we meet.

You are awesome and mighty

May we remember your ways are not our ways

your thoughts not our thoughts.

I choose to surrender to your will.

Amen

Well this is raw footage on the ground of my heart tonight.

Pressed, but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

The road to a friend's house is never long...

Friendships are such a joy in life. I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful friends on this earth and I know there are more out there in my future. Friendships can be life long or for a season, but each one is beautiful and unique and I am so blessed to have each and every one.

Recently, one of my newest friends was over for dinner. I met her less than a year ago, and in the passed few months have spent a lot more time with her. I think this friend will be my sister-in-law in the future, Lord willing. We have had a "girls night dinner" a half a dozen times or so now and it has been one of the highlights of my week. I have never had a regular girls time out- like no kiddoes, just friends and me. I have always loved cooking and having company over, but this has been different, more just chit chat and relax. It has been a sweet time!

I am thankful for friendship- the laughter, the sharing life together, the deep conversations, the prayers we share, the iron sharpening iron that happens when we are together. Now with facebook at our fingertips, keeping in touch is a little easier, but there is something wonderful about sitting face to face with a friend and sharing life. It can lift our spirit, though circumstance hasn't change. The laughter is medicine for our souls.

So friends, thank you for your friendship. It is one of the sweetest things in my life! And know, my door is always open for coffee... :)

The road to a friend's house is never long... and always worth the travel too!

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the countenance of his friend. (NKJV)