Denying self...

My husband and I are in a time of reflection on where we have been and where we are heading. We are at a type of intersection- I would say. Behind us lays our choices we made- jobs passed up, homes sold, detours taken and we compare that to where we are now- mostly in relation to struggles and we wonder what do we do on the road ahead?? We seem to be in a place where all our choices are colliding and we've been a bit down trodden- truthfully.

I have been battling some things and praying I remember what we were thinking when we chose what we did. I sat this morning remembering some of the reasons for our choices and in the worlds eyes it sounds foolish. My husband passed up travelling jobs that offered a lot of money so he would be home with the family. I was a stay at home mom to be with the kids full time. We homeschooled for the first 8 yrs of each of the girls education to be their biggest influence. We moved from the country and community we loved to be near my dad who was ill. In the moments the decisions needed to be made- we did pray much and feel a peace about it. However years later, we struggle with did we make the right choice? Should we have been a family that strived more for better finances? Should we have remained in our 15 year morgage and be half way through having a home owned free and clear? Did we miss the wisdom from the Lord?... Cuz I was seeking it.

This morning, I have a different perspective. We have made it through. It has been a battle, yes, but we have riches money can't buy. We have no material treasures tethering us in this world. I ponder- is this my own "build up my choices speech" and I think not. I just am reflecting on our choices and most of the time I feel like we have missed the mark. Today I rest in- that our choices have been out of denying ourselves. We haven't done what is best for ourselves. We have done what is best for our children and family members and yes even as it has all panned out- much seems foolish. Kids are struggling, family is dramatic, but our choices were based on faith and love and love is what lasts.

Struggles abound and the mountain we see through this intersection looks steep and there is no certainties for our future this side of heaven. God has always been with us though- and in the moments, by faith- we believe He lead us to where we are today, so on we will go- moving forward- whatever/wherever that might be. I hope this encourages someone who may feel in a similar place today. May we each feel His presence and His love- for there is nothing better than that in this world!

Finish line in sight...

For the passed 9 months I have had my attention directed toward a completion of a goal that began 20 years ago- getting my AAT degree. To most this is not a big deal- you get it right out of high school and move on to bigger and better things- whether it be higher degrees or better jobs, etc. Well for me, I have carried in me all these years that this was an unfinished goal of mine- one I felt was an important one. Not because I wanted to walk through another graduation line. Not even because it guaranteed some better employment. It was something left undone in me and though it didn't consume my life and I have loved the life I have walked in- it has always bothered me that it was left unfinished. So with some encouragement from my wonderful friend, Rachel, I enrolled again summer of 2011 and became a part time student. I am in my last week of reaching this goal. I have wrapped up all classes, except one. In this last class, I have completed all the homework and I am down to two important hurdles near the finish line. I have a final that I must pass and a presentation I must give in order to receive the final four credits needed to achieve this long-time goal. I am weary, I have been stressed for months now, and I am so ready to cross this finish line! I have no intentions of walking in a ceremony or anything of the sort, but I do believe that on this day next week- I will be ecstatic to have accomplished this goal.

Do you have things in you- however little they may seem- that have been left unfinished. Things that maybe only you and the Lord really know about- but they pop up in your life every so often? Well, by all means pray about it- but maybe they keep rising to the surface for a reason. Accomplishing it may be tough and at times down right frustrating. However, if you can't let it go- maybe you aren't suppose to. Only God can work that out with you. And His timing is critical.

I will say that as I am coming to the finish line- I am thankful for the nudge to complete these classes. I do not know what the future holds or if I will continue classes. I plan to take time to breath, be thankful, and enjoy life. I have been too short-tempered with my kiddoes and my husband and so I am looking forward to just serving them again- joyfully. I am looking forward to doing some yard work, enjoying the spring season, and drawing near to the Lord. I could not have accomplished this in my own strength and I am so thankful for His work in my life. Glory to God for carrying me (and my family) through this time. I believe this is a gift from God as He has known the desire of my heart.

"He has made everything appropriate in its time...I know there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one's lifetime; moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor- it is the gift of God." Eccl 3:11-13

All dried up...

This is a good picture of how I feel my life has been lately. The season of going through the motions- doing the urgent things, trying with the important- but seemlingly messing them up over and over again- which then is like- maybe I am deceiving myself that I am even trying in the first place. Anyway, not to write out an eeorye-type of blog- just setting the tone as to where I have been. Mind you- little moments in it have reminded me the Lord is near. There are little nuggets of hope every so often. (as my last blog shared)

I even know what I need to do- I need to sit with the Lord and be renewed, refilled with His spirit. I am battling in this too. There is so many voices in my head- so many distractions of urgency needing done- that at best- it is a small draw from Him and I am back to depletion too quickly. So I wake with anxiety day after day- which has never been a norm for me. Even on my bed, I toss and turn- which again-a new thing- I usually sleep like a baby. In all of it- I know there are things for me to learn, things for me to be thankful for, and I believe this season will pass. So in the mean time, I pray alot. I listen to praise music as often as I can. And if I notice myself going down the spiral of negative thoughts- I halt those thoughts and literally speak aloud positive truths.

So, I know that none of us go through things alone. If there is anyone that would read this and find themselves in a similar place- press on. This will pass. Don't waste energy thinking about when- just deal with the things in the day you are in and worship the Lord as best as you can and trust Him with all things. That alone will zap all energy- haha, but at least we are exerting it where it can really make a difference. And I do believe- at some point- we will look back and see even more clearly the lessons we have learned and that the Lord was near through it all. We were never promised it would be easy, but that it would be worth it.


Is 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whos waters never fail.

Unravelling...

Well, this is one word that describes these passed months in the Hillburn home. We have so many things that are coming apart. I keep praying that it stops or new doors open, but so far we are still here, slowly unravelling and waiting. It has been inter-mingled with some amazing things as well, but in the core of my being I feel things slowly coming a part. At first it was like a roller coaster ride of emotions, but as the months have passed on- I am learning things in it- like how to be content in the circumstance and growing (minutely) in patience. :)

I was at the coast with two dear friends some years back and saw a saying in a shop we were walking through. It has stuck with me and I have told myself it in different seasons...this season being one.

"Put your Big girl panties on,

and deal with it!"

There are times in life that we just gotta tell ourselves this! Those "rubber meeting the road moments" in our lives... You are faced with disappointment or unexpected/undesired news or life is just in a season of being in the pits- we gotta push through things. So many times recently, I have had to keep this mentality in mind-I didn't realize that life would be this tough. All the responsibilities and decisions can be overwhelming. For years, I have had that energy that makes me feel like I am queen of my own little world, but lately- not so much of that going on here. Words like overwhelmed, exhausted, no right answers are more accurately where I have been.

Some days I feel like I can do nothing more than the task at hand...some days I feel like I have tried so hard to do what needs to be done and it all has went wrong...some days I just feel like I am out of sorts and just need to go back to bed. These are all new things in my life. I had nearly convinced myself I was in control- mostly. I mean I know the Lord is the One in control, but under Him I had things working all right. All that has crumbled underneath me and I now feel that I am back to square one of learning and figuring things out. Anyone, know what I am saying??

Some of us are going through some really big things right now and so I hope you keep your focus on the Lord and tell yourself on the days you need to hear it- put those big girl (or boy) panties on and push forward- even if it is little steps. Perspective is so important in tough times and remembering that this life is only part of the whole picture helps to keep hope alive. So I find that I am waiting on the Lord to move, to heal, to give direction.

"Those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Is 40:31

Joy in Suffering...

As I think about this today- many things come to mind.
So I weed out the ones that are from fear- for that is lack of trust.
I take captive the ones that are the what ifs...and not in my present reality.
Battling through the myriad of things that flood my mind and I come to this...
To live is Christ, to die is gain.
Paul's words as he is in a prison and choosing joy in his sufferings.
To live is Christ- what does this mean to me?
My life is His. I should reflect Him in how I live, serve, accept the path before me...
He is my breath, my strength, my hope, my reason to get out of bed each day~
Yes, I love my family and they are who I am serving daily- but my life is about Jesus.
...to die is gain...
hmmm- thinking on this- do I view dying this way?
No, I don't. So I have more to learn here, so much more.
There are times I think to be "taken up" would be the easier thing, but I have lost the sight of the glory of it.
The truly wonderful life that awaits us after death here.
I need to remember this...for in remembering this, joy starts to surface in present sufferings.
In our sufferings, it is really hard to fabricate a false joy.
The rubber meets the road and we see what has filled our hearts.
In our sufferings, the wood and stubble and hay is blown away and we get a glimpse if there be any precious metals that need refined.
It is a season for reflection and tearing down,
but I can be confident of this:
He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it.
I don't know the details of this and they aren't for me to know.
So I will choose to trust in Jesus, in His hand in my life.
I choose joy today, regardless of circumstances.
God is good, even when life is hard!

Being still before Him,

Rose