Goodness of Others...

In the midst of my daughter's health issues, I have been in awe of how much beauty I have seen in others. The unraveling going on in Marisa's life would be a lot for anyone to take in. She has done it with such grace and strength, though she is so weak. She has continued in her faith in Jesus and His plan for her life, though it has been such a painful journey. 

A year ago she was preparing to turn 20 and life was all she hoped it to be. She was with the man of her future, working two jobs she enjoyed and making good money, as well as full time schooling and on target to apply for the nursing program. Her independent personality had her moving along- making goals and truly full of joy and excitement for life.

Today she is recovering from one of her worst seizure-type episodes in quite some time. She is grieving that boy who is now her past, trying to work one job, and taking one class because though still very driven, she is limited in what she is able to do. She still has joy and her faith is holding on to Jesus, but she has a lot of sadness too. It takes a toll on a momma's heart.

So what do we do? We look for the goodness of the Lord. We seek the beauty amidst the pain and there is so much goodness that we have seen and are truly thankful for. This morning I sit and give thanks for the good friends God has given her. Marisa had been working when it happened and as I came upon the scene, she was in the back room with two friends (who also are going for nursing) and they were helping her. Her manager was also there, very caring and kind. It brings tears to my eyes just seeing them love her like that.

She is growing up in a generation of self-seeking people. So many are living for the moment and "living it up" and having a good time. She would like to be like that too sometimes. However, that isn't why we are here. We aren't here to be selfish. We are here to serve and love. We are here to sacrifice for others. For this is when we see meaning to life. This is where depth of character develops. I witnessed that depth last night and though my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was full of joy in what my eyes witnessed.

May we choose the less traveled path. May we give of ourselves for those in need. It is such a beautiful thing. Thank you to every one of you that has done that for our family through this time. It has not gone unnoticed. 

This was after an episode this summer during a girls night they attempted to have. They chose to bring the girls night to her and hung out instead.

Crossing the Finish Line...

I started homeschooling in 1998 doing pre-school lessons with Marisa and Eli. Today, May 28, 2015, is my last day of homeschooling. I am so glad I had the opportunity to do it. Thank you, Kelly, for making that decision all those years ago. It hasn’t been easy, nor was it always fun, but I got to spend a lot of precious time and years with my children and I have no regrets about that.

Truly, I learned more than my girls probably did. I was a better student when I was teaching! haha I think back to our PIT STOPS (Princess in Training) which turned into Chic Chats- times we just would talk about what really matters or what was on our minds. I remember making a little Nile River with them, spending time in Mexico on a mission’s trip and the whole household would gather each day for readings about the life of a missionary in history; such precious moments in my heart. Thoughts of the season we did school as we traveled up and down I-5 during my dad’s liver transplant- the freedom to do it and the discipline to not give up on it. I remember the excitement each year of choosing new curriculum and the even greater excitement this time each year as books were getting put up for the summer.

It is the sharing life day in and day out that I will miss the most. It is the time around the table in pjs with books stacked up and watching my girls grow and learn that brings tears to my eyes in this moment. Just doing the mundane together is what I treasure most.

The past couple of years have been harder with homeschooling. I was down to just schooling Keira and was working part time in the midst of it. Her being disciplined and driven has made these years successful. So today as I sat with her at the table- for our last day of homeschool- we celebrated with Dutch Bros and donuts and I realized that I had crossed the finish line. It feels more like I limped across the finish line. I didn’t finish as strong as I would have liked, and I could make a lot of excuses as to why that is, but I will not do that. I will instead rejoice that we did it. I will give thanks for the accomplishments and know that God will take care of the gaps that maybe didn’t get covered.

The most important thing in all these years is that I believe my girls know that following Jesus is the one thing needed. Yes education matters a lot, and being a contributing member of society is important, but above all else they know that God is truth and love and we are here for His glory and purpose. 

Though Marisa graduated 2 years ago, Shyla graduates next week, and Keira has four years of public school to go, today I feel like I am graduating. I intend to enjoy the next 4 years before Keira is an adult, but I am also looking forward to whatever the next adventure holds. God has been good to me and I am truly blessed and full of gratitude for all He has done.

The beginning homeschool years...

My girls today...

Thoughts from the Grave Site...

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but sharing it today on the blog as we walk through this third marker of losing my brother. I've realized the pain remains, it is just learning to live with it.

Today (April 10, 2015) I drove north up I-5 to the place I have always considered home. I have made the drive so many times in my life time there is no way to count. It is a familiar drive- sometimes dreaded even. As I drove up today I noticed so many crosses on the side of the road. I have always noticed some, but today it seemed like there was so many more than ever before. Some had artificial flowers, some had wreaths, one had bowling pins, some were just the cross itself, and some had a name hanging on the cross.

As they continued to stand out to me, I thought about all the lives that have endured loss. We will all have loss. Some may hurt worse than others, but none of us will escape that fact.

Right now I am typing this sitting next to my brother’s grave site. He is buried in this sweet little town I've always called home. His spot sits up on a hill and it is truly a beautiful view. For me, I was never one to come hang out at grave sites. However, I come here each time I hit the valley and spend a little time regrouping. I know he isn’t here. It is a peaceful spot though. It is a place I can come where chances are no one else will be. It is a place where I can sit and read, or rest or type, and just enjoy the beauty that is around.

Grief and fear are tough things. We will all have seasons of struggling through these things. There are some things we can do to help ourselves and a lot of things that we just have to allow time to take its course to get through.

We are approaching three years since my brother’s death. Life for many has went on as usual. Mine is not the same, nor will it be the same- EVER. I am on the journey to be better though. Better than I was even before all this. I do miss him so much. I long to KNOW he is with Jesus. I have a glimmer of hope that he is.

As I type, there is a wind chime behind me and as the wind is blowing it is making its own melody. It is soothing. Even the wind moving between the trees adds sound to the song. I do still hear a car every once in a while, but there is a stillness here. A calm. A moment of rest. A moment of silence even from the melodious song as the wind dies down. Then there's the buzzing of insects, the sound of a gun shot…life constantly moves forward. There are only small amounts of time where there is truly silence. In the silence though, my fingers tapping the keys seem so loud- dancing to its own tune.

I encourage you- take time to be still; to listen to the wind, the birds, and the insects. Take time to listen for the quiet whisper of God. Look for and have expectancy that He would show Himself to you. As I type this the sun grows brighter through the clouds. Coincidental? Maybe, but maybe not. I pause and close my eyes and  feel it on my face. I soak it up. It gets brighter and brighter as my eyes are closed and I am just breathing and listening and letting the light shine upon me. It is warm. It feels good.

I have spent the last few years seeking God and feeling like He hasn't been here. I choose to look for ways that maybe He is and maybe He has been trying to show me all this time and I have missed it.

I also want to find a way to honor Chris in my life; a way to feel him with me every day. I hear a peacock in the distance. For some reason it makes me think of him when he was littler. I still can hear his voice calling my name “Sissy.”

My brother's grave.

My view at his grave site.

My brother, whom I miss every day!

Tough Stuff...

Over the last 8 years, it seems life has continuously been grievous for me. I have had small moments of rest before the next wave hits, but I sit this morning reflecting on it all and seeking the Lord on how to learn to have joy and be steadfast as the waves continue to come. We were never promised ease. We were never promised things would go right this side of heaven. For we all have the freedom to choose. That is part of the love God has given to us. He doesn't make us do things. He allows us to choose. Our choices do carry much weight though. There is a quote I heard some time back that I thought was so good, it says:

"You have the freedom to choose your actions, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of your actions." 

Near the start of this lengthy season, there was a scene from a movie that I had heard. It is a scene I have went back to time and time again because it carries so much truth in it. I find myself listening, reminded of my limits, and the only thing I really can do is love. It is a scene that as the truth is spoken, it brings a bit of despair because as you take it in, you realize there is not much that you can do to help those you love. This is grievous in my heart. I want with every part of my being to help those who are veering off the straight and narrow path. Maybe it is because I briefly detoured right out of high school, and I learned very quickly that the only life worth living was one walked with Jesus. Maybe it has to do with the part of me that hates seeing hurt, that hates to see suffering. Maybe it's because I just care too much. Regardless, I have learned that we can't help those who don't want to help themselves, or say they do, but don't choose it with action.
I find myself in this familiar place again. Here is the video- it is worth watching! If you cannot pull it up- I included the words spoken in it below. It is from the movie: "The River Runs Through It"

https://dotsub.com/view/d4b7b060-e444-4a1f-a0d1-c8f66d208aca

I remember the last sermon I ever heard my father give, not long before his own death:"Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one in need and ask the same question: We are willing Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, that part we have to give... is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us... But we can still love them... We can love—completely—even without complete understanding..."

My pursuit will be love. It is a tough pursuit, for love is difficult. It isn't the warm fuzzy feeling we often think it is. We have a definition of it in 1 Corinthians, but really the full description is shown in all 66 books and to fully grasp all love encompasses, we must read it all to have a complete definition. For love disciplines, love forgives, love withholds sometimes, love rebukes. As I have walked these past 8 years, I have seen one relationship after another be ruined. This is watching the consequence of the free choice made. I have learned through the ups and downs that love is about boundaries sometimes. We will continue to learn new things about love as we walk with the Lord and remain in the Word and live it out. There is no greater depth for us to discover than love. It is also easily the most misunderstood word in our world today. Many things done today, in the name of love, are not at all what love is. So Lord help us learn how to love like you. I pray we would draw near to you and learn how you love us. Thank you for your love that gave your life for us. May we have hearts that desire your ways and may our actions show our hearts are fully yours.

May we be lovers of Jesus and a lovers of people! Nothing else matters!