Denying self...

My husband and I are in a time of reflection on where we have been and where we are heading. We are at a type of intersection- I would say. Behind us lays our choices we made- jobs passed up, homes sold, detours taken and we compare that to where we are now- mostly in relation to struggles and we wonder what do we do on the road ahead?? We seem to be in a place where all our choices are colliding and we've been a bit down trodden- truthfully.

I have been battling some things and praying I remember what we were thinking when we chose what we did. I sat this morning remembering some of the reasons for our choices and in the worlds eyes it sounds foolish. My husband passed up travelling jobs that offered a lot of money so he would be home with the family. I was a stay at home mom to be with the kids full time. We homeschooled for the first 8 yrs of each of the girls education to be their biggest influence. We moved from the country and community we loved to be near my dad who was ill. In the moments the decisions needed to be made- we did pray much and feel a peace about it. However years later, we struggle with did we make the right choice? Should we have been a family that strived more for better finances? Should we have remained in our 15 year morgage and be half way through having a home owned free and clear? Did we miss the wisdom from the Lord?... Cuz I was seeking it.

This morning, I have a different perspective. We have made it through. It has been a battle, yes, but we have riches money can't buy. We have no material treasures tethering us in this world. I ponder- is this my own "build up my choices speech" and I think not. I just am reflecting on our choices and most of the time I feel like we have missed the mark. Today I rest in- that our choices have been out of denying ourselves. We haven't done what is best for ourselves. We have done what is best for our children and family members and yes even as it has all panned out- much seems foolish. Kids are struggling, family is dramatic, but our choices were based on faith and love and love is what lasts.

Struggles abound and the mountain we see through this intersection looks steep and there is no certainties for our future this side of heaven. God has always been with us though- and in the moments, by faith- we believe He lead us to where we are today, so on we will go- moving forward- whatever/wherever that might be. I hope this encourages someone who may feel in a similar place today. May we each feel His presence and His love- for there is nothing better than that in this world!

Life is like a round-about...

Some years back I was driving back to Portland to take another turn of caring for my dad who had just received a liver transplant, driving and praying- this picture came to mind- a round about...

(the one I pictured had two roads to choose from)

It was a picture for my family. We were on this round about and there were two options: one would lead to brokenness and discord and the other would bring peace and unity. So many things had become a part of our lives that there was some tough choices to make and unfortunately too many veered to the first option. So for the passed four years, life has been filled with some tough stuff. At times, someone  could change a direction slightly, but then really continue on this first path.

Here we are presently and in God's grace and mercy, I find that my family has made it back to the round about. We are circling this place again and we have these two paths before us. We are a bit wiser now due to the hard knocks from previous choices, and so I pray we try the other options this time around.

We all have moments when we are on this round about and the choices before us are ones that affect those who love us so much. In this place- it isn't about the love- the love is deep and there for ever- but it is about trust and fellowship, peace and unity, making memories worth making, and growing in the call of our lives.

I adore my family. Ya we can be crazy and wretched at times- we are humans- it is in us- but I love them, and am proud of where we are at today. God has blessed us with second chances and that, my friend, is one of the sweetest gifts a person can get. So if you know someone who needs a second chance- extend the hand of mercy. It is a beautiful thing.

And on another note- which could be another blog in itself- don't ever underestimate the power of prayer. I believe with every bit of my being that it is answered prayer that has brought us all back to a second chance option. So if you know someone who has veered to the tougher path- do not give up praying for them. God hears our prayers!

My Sweet, Strong Man...

He is quiet a lot of the time, hard working, loyal, and wiser than I am- alot of the time. Our marriage is real and raw- we get frustrated with each other, we have went to bed with a pillow down the center of the bed to assure that we have our own sides, we have not always made the right choices- but we love each other and when it isn't easy coming- we choose to love each other and make it through.

I give the man extra kudos because he lives in a home with four ladies. His main male companion is our black lab and he often refers to him as his son. Poor guy- really needs a man cave. He endures though, finding sanity in his sports- whether it is on tv or playing soccer or softball still. And all his hard work is for his family because we are what matters most to him. I appreciate him so much!

The biggest thing he has taught me is unconditional love. I have never had that from anyone else on this earth. I have realized this recently as I have been reflecting on alot of things. This man loves me when I really am so off my rocker- I barly can stand myself. He always compliments me, always sees me as beautiful- though as I have viewed pictures from years passed in my cut off orange sweats- I think wow- was he blind!! I was so hard on him early in our marraige, but I am so thankful for him in my life today. Yes, he can really irritate me more often than not- but I don't know what I would do without him.

He is an amazing man and I am thankful to be Mrs. Kelly Hillburn.

This is Kelly and I celebrating our 17th anniversary.