A lonely journey mostly because of the silence I have experienced with the Lord. I have doubted, I have pleaded, I have sat silently for days waiting to hear a soft whisper or at least feel the Holy Spirit alive in me. It has been a stale, sometimes hopeless silence.
Lifeless, empty, anxious...
I have had encouragement along the way that a breakthrough is going to happen and this wintery season will end. In the spring I even had a glimpse of what my life looked like as I saw this tree one day. The tree was blooming the beautiful spring flowers ever so slightly, yet the tree looked quite dead. I took a picture of it (well I had my daughter take the pict since I was driving). Later as I looked at it- I noticed the scene around it- the clouds in the background were gray and dark, but the tree was trying to fight through to the next season. I treasured the picture and had it as my phone cover through most of the summer. However darkness has remained and I have learned a contentment in it, but it has taken a toll. Fear creeps in from time to time, but more than that my longing and need for the Lord is like a parched soul thirsting for water.
I wait...
It has been hard to open back up. I use to live open and free- sharing all my struggles and serving when ever I could. I have withdrawn for surival's sake. I have put up walls to protect as the wounds seemed to continue to come...
A new struggle has begun though- in the past three weeks our lives have been turned upside down again. My oldest child started having seizures. We are still not sure why- waiting for specialists to see us and in the mean time she seizes almost daily. This is one of the hardest things I have experienced in my life and all the things I have learned through my grief is helping me now. I am living moment by moment. I am letting go of all that I need to let go of. I am surrendering to God's will as painful as it is- I do pray He takes this cup from us, but I am praising Him through the pain this time. That is something I was not able to do with the loss of my brother. The first song my daughter asked to worship to was "I Will Praise You in this Storm" and it was one of the precious moments we have had through this very hard time.
This week she had a tonic clonic seizure- also known as a grand mal seizure. I thought she was dying and as I stood there seeing how fleeting life is and crying out for mercy, I witnessed a sweet love as her boyfriend was over her speaking kind words and kissing her tenderly and being so brave. It brings tears to my eyes just writing it. The most precious things can come at the same time we are in the most painful, scary times. It is all so bitter sweet, but I keep holding on to those sweet blessings as we move through this.
My husband shared some wise words with me as I lay crying on his chest one night this past week... I was upset because I just wanted to feel Jesus and if I could just feel Him I would be ok and he said, "No Rose, you don't have to feel Him, you just know He is here. That is all you need."
Just Know He is Here... That is hard sometimes as your world is crumbling and He seems silent.
Just Know He is Here... It doesn't mean the pain leaves. It doesn't mean I sleep at peace each night. We are in a trial. There is sorrow and suffering. Our prayers don't always get the answer we want and rarely do they get the timing we want.
Jesus asked for a cup to be taken from Him too. He was overwhelmed with sorrow. He battled through it and surrendered to the Father's will. He understands our struggle. He knows our pain. We just need to know He is here.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. I pray for healing. I know the Lord heals. I know we might not experience that. Regardless of the outcome- I pray for strength to endure and that I will continue to say- You give and take away Lord. I don't know which you will do in this situation, but I choose to trust you.
I may struggle in that sometimes, but I will battle through and find my way back to Him and I know if I lose my way- He will come after me- for He is my shepherd and I am a sheep in His pasture.
 |
| Marisa having an EEG done. |
 |
| My treasure one evening in the midst of this trial- sisters being goofy together. |
 |
| Comforting my sweet child the first week it all began- and Diesel the sweetest little dog. :) |
