Nevertheless...

This is a journal entry I wrote a little while back. Wanted to post it today and hope that it helps someone else who might be struggling with a long trial that hasn't been resolved. Though we still struggle, He does still sit on the throne and one day we will understand, but until then...may we serve Him, may we seek for our perspective to be altered by Him.

We made it nearly a month of being seizure free and I am so thankful for this. That came to an end though with a 4 1/2 min seizure that brought us all back to the stark reality that this isn't over yet. In the midst of the updates shared on social networking, there has been other stresses going on like those rhythmic waves I shared about in a previous post. We know this is life. Hence the familiar saying, "When it rains, it pours" because it seems to be the way it goes. These past few months have been no different.

So I have spent my time doing what I can do...trying to rest, praying much, and doing what needs done day by day. A friend sent me a book about rest some time back, and I read through that gleaning anything I could find to help me. I have these adrenaline rushes that hit me sporadically and so I am working through these as they come upon me, many times in the early morning hours, and many nights- like last night- I don't sleep but a few hours.

As I have been battling through this time, I have begged God for mercy, for His presence. I've heard we ought not to beg God, but that is who I am and where I am right now...a beggar at his feet, praying for strength, but more than that, praying for His presence to touch me or move in me. Over the past month, I was reading in Daniel and when I came to the familiar story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego I just read the words over and over. I prayed they would penetrate to the marrow of my bones and that I would live this out in my life:

"our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace...but if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods..." Dan. 3:17-18 

In my side margin I had written "even if he doesn't come through" -this is the work the Lord is doing in my heart. We sing words like, "though none go with me, still I will follow", "all to Jesus, I surrender", etc. We don't truly grasp it a lot of times though. I believe it is impossible to grasp when life is good. This is my opinion from experience. It is easy to say in good times- I surrender...it is mere words with no action.

The rubber has skid all over the road for me as I walk through this time of unknown health issues and fear consumes me at times, among the myriad of other storms that have come upon us in this time. I am depleted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nevertheless, I know God is able to deliver me, deliver my children, deliver my marriage, deliver our finances...
but even if he doesn't let it be known that I still serve Him.

I write that and inhale a huge breathe...

As I exhale I am at rest in this moment. I know I will rise from this little space in my closet where I am writing this out and the battles of the day await. I may forget the statement I wrote at times, but it is taking firm root inside of me and so it will be a permanent part of me. I have always loved the stories in Daniel and I have cried out for the God of Daniel and the God of Elijah to show up for me in these tough times. I haven't been put in a den of lions, or a fiery furnace- literally- but my trials feel like this at times and I am here-awaiting rescue by the same God. I have felt beat up and on the brink of insanity a few times- and I will honestly say, I wasn't sure he was going to deliver me, but even if he didn't or with upcoming things- even if he doesn't- He is still whom I will serve every day I have breathe.

Anyways may we continue to rejoice in hope, be patient in our trials, and be steadfast in prayer. Let us remember who sits on the throne and when we find ourselves sinking with the things in this world, let us cry out to the God who can deliver and may we declare with boldness: nevertheless even if you do not deliver us, I will still serve you, love, you, trust you, and cling to you with what ever amount of energy and strength I have.

Love this song! Check it out!

Goodness of Others...

In the midst of my daughter's health issues, I have been in awe of how much beauty I have seen in others. The unraveling going on in Marisa's life would be a lot for anyone to take in. She has done it with such grace and strength, though she is so weak. She has continued in her faith in Jesus and His plan for her life, though it has been such a painful journey. 

A year ago she was preparing to turn 20 and life was all she hoped it to be. She was with the man of her future, working two jobs she enjoyed and making good money, as well as full time schooling and on target to apply for the nursing program. Her independent personality had her moving along- making goals and truly full of joy and excitement for life.

Today she is recovering from one of her worst seizure-type episodes in quite some time. She is grieving that boy who is now her past, trying to work one job, and taking one class because though still very driven, she is limited in what she is able to do. She still has joy and her faith is holding on to Jesus, but she has a lot of sadness too. It takes a toll on a momma's heart.

So what do we do? We look for the goodness of the Lord. We seek the beauty amidst the pain and there is so much goodness that we have seen and are truly thankful for. This morning I sit and give thanks for the good friends God has given her. Marisa had been working when it happened and as I came upon the scene, she was in the back room with two friends (who also are going for nursing) and they were helping her. Her manager was also there, very caring and kind. It brings tears to my eyes just seeing them love her like that.

She is growing up in a generation of self-seeking people. So many are living for the moment and "living it up" and having a good time. She would like to be like that too sometimes. However, that isn't why we are here. We aren't here to be selfish. We are here to serve and love. We are here to sacrifice for others. For this is when we see meaning to life. This is where depth of character develops. I witnessed that depth last night and though my adrenaline was pumping, my heart was full of joy in what my eyes witnessed.

May we choose the less traveled path. May we give of ourselves for those in need. It is such a beautiful thing. Thank you to every one of you that has done that for our family through this time. It has not gone unnoticed. 

This was after an episode this summer during a girls night they attempted to have. They chose to bring the girls night to her and hung out instead.

Crossing the Finish Line...

I started homeschooling in 1998 doing pre-school lessons with Marisa and Eli. Today, May 28, 2015, is my last day of homeschooling. I am so glad I had the opportunity to do it. Thank you, Kelly, for making that decision all those years ago. It hasn’t been easy, nor was it always fun, but I got to spend a lot of precious time and years with my children and I have no regrets about that.

Truly, I learned more than my girls probably did. I was a better student when I was teaching! haha I think back to our PIT STOPS (Princess in Training) which turned into Chic Chats- times we just would talk about what really matters or what was on our minds. I remember making a little Nile River with them, spending time in Mexico on a mission’s trip and the whole household would gather each day for readings about the life of a missionary in history; such precious moments in my heart. Thoughts of the season we did school as we traveled up and down I-5 during my dad’s liver transplant- the freedom to do it and the discipline to not give up on it. I remember the excitement each year of choosing new curriculum and the even greater excitement this time each year as books were getting put up for the summer.

It is the sharing life day in and day out that I will miss the most. It is the time around the table in pjs with books stacked up and watching my girls grow and learn that brings tears to my eyes in this moment. Just doing the mundane together is what I treasure most.

The past couple of years have been harder with homeschooling. I was down to just schooling Keira and was working part time in the midst of it. Her being disciplined and driven has made these years successful. So today as I sat with her at the table- for our last day of homeschool- we celebrated with Dutch Bros and donuts and I realized that I had crossed the finish line. It feels more like I limped across the finish line. I didn’t finish as strong as I would have liked, and I could make a lot of excuses as to why that is, but I will not do that. I will instead rejoice that we did it. I will give thanks for the accomplishments and know that God will take care of the gaps that maybe didn’t get covered.

The most important thing in all these years is that I believe my girls know that following Jesus is the one thing needed. Yes education matters a lot, and being a contributing member of society is important, but above all else they know that God is truth and love and we are here for His glory and purpose. 

Though Marisa graduated 2 years ago, Shyla graduates next week, and Keira has four years of public school to go, today I feel like I am graduating. I intend to enjoy the next 4 years before Keira is an adult, but I am also looking forward to whatever the next adventure holds. God has been good to me and I am truly blessed and full of gratitude for all He has done.

The beginning homeschool years...

My girls today...

Thoughts from the Grave Site...

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but sharing it today on the blog as we walk through this third marker of losing my brother. I've realized the pain remains, it is just learning to live with it.

Today (April 10, 2015) I drove north up I-5 to the place I have always considered home. I have made the drive so many times in my life time there is no way to count. It is a familiar drive- sometimes dreaded even. As I drove up today I noticed so many crosses on the side of the road. I have always noticed some, but today it seemed like there was so many more than ever before. Some had artificial flowers, some had wreaths, one had bowling pins, some were just the cross itself, and some had a name hanging on the cross.

As they continued to stand out to me, I thought about all the lives that have endured loss. We will all have loss. Some may hurt worse than others, but none of us will escape that fact.

Right now I am typing this sitting next to my brother’s grave site. He is buried in this sweet little town I've always called home. His spot sits up on a hill and it is truly a beautiful view. For me, I was never one to come hang out at grave sites. However, I come here each time I hit the valley and spend a little time regrouping. I know he isn’t here. It is a peaceful spot though. It is a place I can come where chances are no one else will be. It is a place where I can sit and read, or rest or type, and just enjoy the beauty that is around.

Grief and fear are tough things. We will all have seasons of struggling through these things. There are some things we can do to help ourselves and a lot of things that we just have to allow time to take its course to get through.

We are approaching three years since my brother’s death. Life for many has went on as usual. Mine is not the same, nor will it be the same- EVER. I am on the journey to be better though. Better than I was even before all this. I do miss him so much. I long to KNOW he is with Jesus. I have a glimmer of hope that he is.

As I type, there is a wind chime behind me and as the wind is blowing it is making its own melody. It is soothing. Even the wind moving between the trees adds sound to the song. I do still hear a car every once in a while, but there is a stillness here. A calm. A moment of rest. A moment of silence even from the melodious song as the wind dies down. Then there's the buzzing of insects, the sound of a gun shot…life constantly moves forward. There are only small amounts of time where there is truly silence. In the silence though, my fingers tapping the keys seem so loud- dancing to its own tune.

I encourage you- take time to be still; to listen to the wind, the birds, and the insects. Take time to listen for the quiet whisper of God. Look for and have expectancy that He would show Himself to you. As I type this the sun grows brighter through the clouds. Coincidental? Maybe, but maybe not. I pause and close my eyes and  feel it on my face. I soak it up. It gets brighter and brighter as my eyes are closed and I am just breathing and listening and letting the light shine upon me. It is warm. It feels good.

I have spent the last few years seeking God and feeling like He hasn't been here. I choose to look for ways that maybe He is and maybe He has been trying to show me all this time and I have missed it.

I also want to find a way to honor Chris in my life; a way to feel him with me every day. I hear a peacock in the distance. For some reason it makes me think of him when he was littler. I still can hear his voice calling my name “Sissy.”

My brother's grave.

My view at his grave site.

My brother, whom I miss every day!

Tough Stuff...

Over the last 8 years, it seems life has continuously been grievous for me. I have had small moments of rest before the next wave hits, but I sit this morning reflecting on it all and seeking the Lord on how to learn to have joy and be steadfast as the waves continue to come. We were never promised ease. We were never promised things would go right this side of heaven. For we all have the freedom to choose. That is part of the love God has given to us. He doesn't make us do things. He allows us to choose. Our choices do carry much weight though. There is a quote I heard some time back that I thought was so good, it says:

"You have the freedom to choose your actions, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of your actions." 

Near the start of this lengthy season, there was a scene from a movie that I had heard. It is a scene I have went back to time and time again because it carries so much truth in it. I find myself listening, reminded of my limits, and the only thing I really can do is love. It is a scene that as the truth is spoken, it brings a bit of despair because as you take it in, you realize there is not much that you can do to help those you love. This is grievous in my heart. I want with every part of my being to help those who are veering off the straight and narrow path. Maybe it is because I briefly detoured right out of high school, and I learned very quickly that the only life worth living was one walked with Jesus. Maybe it has to do with the part of me that hates seeing hurt, that hates to see suffering. Maybe it's because I just care too much. Regardless, I have learned that we can't help those who don't want to help themselves, or say they do, but don't choose it with action.
I find myself in this familiar place again. Here is the video- it is worth watching! If you cannot pull it up- I included the words spoken in it below. It is from the movie: "The River Runs Through It"

https://dotsub.com/view/d4b7b060-e444-4a1f-a0d1-c8f66d208aca

I remember the last sermon I ever heard my father give, not long before his own death:"Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one in need and ask the same question: We are willing Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, that part we have to give... is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us... But we can still love them... We can love—completely—even without complete understanding..."

My pursuit will be love. It is a tough pursuit, for love is difficult. It isn't the warm fuzzy feeling we often think it is. We have a definition of it in 1 Corinthians, but really the full description is shown in all 66 books and to fully grasp all love encompasses, we must read it all to have a complete definition. For love disciplines, love forgives, love withholds sometimes, love rebukes. As I have walked these past 8 years, I have seen one relationship after another be ruined. This is watching the consequence of the free choice made. I have learned through the ups and downs that love is about boundaries sometimes. We will continue to learn new things about love as we walk with the Lord and remain in the Word and live it out. There is no greater depth for us to discover than love. It is also easily the most misunderstood word in our world today. Many things done today, in the name of love, are not at all what love is. So Lord help us learn how to love like you. I pray we would draw near to you and learn how you love us. Thank you for your love that gave your life for us. May we have hearts that desire your ways and may our actions show our hearts are fully yours.

May we be lovers of Jesus and a lovers of people! Nothing else matters! 

Opening Back Up...

It has been a long journey...

A lonely journey mostly because of the silence I have experienced with the Lord. I have doubted, I have pleaded, I have sat silently for days waiting to hear a soft whisper or at least feel the Holy Spirit alive in me. It has been a stale, sometimes hopeless silence.

Lifeless, empty, anxious...

I have had encouragement along the way that a breakthrough is going to happen and this wintery season will end. In the spring I even had a glimpse of what my life looked like as I saw this tree one day. The tree was blooming the beautiful spring flowers ever so slightly, yet the tree looked quite dead. I took a picture of it (well I had my daughter take the pict since I was driving). Later as I looked at it- I noticed the scene around it- the clouds in the background were gray and dark, but the tree was trying to fight through to the next season. I treasured the picture and had it as my phone cover through most of the summer. However darkness has remained and I have learned a contentment in it, but it has taken a toll. Fear creeps in from time to time, but more than that my longing and need for the Lord is like a parched soul thirsting for water.

I wait...

It has been hard to open back up. I use to live open and free- sharing all my struggles and serving when ever I could. I have withdrawn for surival's sake. I have put up walls to protect as the wounds seemed to continue to come...

A new struggle has begun though- in the past three weeks our lives have been turned upside down again. My oldest child started having seizures. We are still not sure why- waiting for specialists to see us and in the mean time she seizes almost daily. This is one of the hardest things I have experienced in my life and all the things I have learned through my grief is helping me now. I am living moment by moment. I am letting go of all that I need to let go of. I am surrendering to God's will as painful as it is- I do pray He takes this cup from us, but I am praising Him through the pain this time. That is something I was not able to do with the loss of my brother. The first song my daughter asked to worship to was "I Will Praise You in this Storm" and it was one of the precious moments we have had through this very hard time.

This week she had a tonic clonic seizure- also known as a grand mal seizure. I thought she was dying and as I stood there seeing how fleeting life is and crying out for mercy, I witnessed a sweet love as her boyfriend was over her speaking kind words and kissing her tenderly and being so brave. It brings tears to my eyes just writing it. The most precious things can come at the same time we are in the most painful, scary times. It is all so bitter sweet, but I keep holding on to those sweet blessings as we move through this.

My husband shared some wise words with me as I lay crying on his chest one night this past week... I was upset because I just wanted to feel Jesus and if I could just feel Him I would be ok and he said, "No Rose, you don't have to feel Him, you just know He is here. That is all you need."

Just Know He is Here... That is hard sometimes as your world is crumbling and He seems silent.

Just Know He is Here... It doesn't mean the pain leaves. It doesn't mean I sleep at peace each night. We are in a trial. There is sorrow and suffering. Our prayers don't always get the answer we want and rarely do they get the timing we want.

Jesus asked for a cup to be taken from Him too. He was overwhelmed with sorrow. He battled through it and surrendered to the Father's will. He understands our struggle. He knows our pain. We just need to know He is here.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I pray for healing. I know the Lord heals. I know we might not experience that. Regardless of the outcome- I pray for strength to endure and that I will continue to say- You give and take away Lord. I don't know which you will do in this situation, but I choose to trust you.
I may struggle in that sometimes, but I will battle through and find my way back to Him and I know if I lose my way- He will come after me- for He is my shepherd and I am a sheep in His pasture.

Marisa having an EEG done.

My treasure one evening in the midst of this trial- sisters being goofy together.

Comforting my sweet child the first week it all began- and Diesel the sweetest little dog. :)

Quiet Grief

We have hit the two year mark of my brothers unexpected and unnecessary death. I have learned a lot about grief in these past two years. I have walked through the different stages and continue to walk them. I have struggled in deep waters emotionally, spiritually, and physically through this time. I also have seen life move forward, as it always does, as I knew it would from the moment the news reached my ears. Life is different now though.

 

Life will forever be different.

 

The majority of this road of sorrow has taken place in the quiet, behind closed doors. There are two days a year you feel free to speak out about it- his birthday and his death anniversary. His birthday is New Years Eve- and most are celebrating. So this is the day I will speak about it~ the day I will shout out to my little world- 

 

I MISS HIM SO MUCH STILL!

 

I still think about him every day. I still fight back tears at moments notice, when something triggers a thought or memory- unexpectedly- of him. I still beg God for a vision that he is in heaven.

 

There are lessons I am learning as I move forward day by day-

 

First- as I read the Word there is comfort. God is faithful to comfort through His Word.

 

Second- Life is precious, influence is huge. I wish parents, siblings, and friends grasp this to the depth it should be grasp. Your influence can make a difference- does make a difference. For good or evil is determined by your choices.

Third- Acceptance with Joy- as Hinds Feet on High Places says- I have walked along the Sea of Lonliness, my only companions were Sorrow and Suffering and in that place I learned Acceptance with Joy.

It is not easy, it is not fun. It is necessary to continue to move forward and heal.

 

 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33

 

 

We will all go through loss in life. Just know when you do, you aren't alone. Even as the world moves on, the Lord is near those broken and He does tend our wounds. That doesn't mean the sorrow stops or the pain ceases, but He will be with us even in the deep places and the quiet grief we continue to walk.