Thoughts from the Grave Site...

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but sharing it today on the blog as we walk through this third marker of losing my brother. I've realized the pain remains, it is just learning to live with it.

Today (April 10, 2015) I drove north up I-5 to the place I have always considered home. I have made the drive so many times in my life time there is no way to count. It is a familiar drive- sometimes dreaded even. As I drove up today I noticed so many crosses on the side of the road. I have always noticed some, but today it seemed like there was so many more than ever before. Some had artificial flowers, some had wreaths, one had bowling pins, some were just the cross itself, and some had a name hanging on the cross.

As they continued to stand out to me, I thought about all the lives that have endured loss. We will all have loss. Some may hurt worse than others, but none of us will escape that fact.

Right now I am typing this sitting next to my brother’s grave site. He is buried in this sweet little town I've always called home. His spot sits up on a hill and it is truly a beautiful view. For me, I was never one to come hang out at grave sites. However, I come here each time I hit the valley and spend a little time regrouping. I know he isn’t here. It is a peaceful spot though. It is a place I can come where chances are no one else will be. It is a place where I can sit and read, or rest or type, and just enjoy the beauty that is around.

Grief and fear are tough things. We will all have seasons of struggling through these things. There are some things we can do to help ourselves and a lot of things that we just have to allow time to take its course to get through.

We are approaching three years since my brother’s death. Life for many has went on as usual. Mine is not the same, nor will it be the same- EVER. I am on the journey to be better though. Better than I was even before all this. I do miss him so much. I long to KNOW he is with Jesus. I have a glimmer of hope that he is.

As I type, there is a wind chime behind me and as the wind is blowing it is making its own melody. It is soothing. Even the wind moving between the trees adds sound to the song. I do still hear a car every once in a while, but there is a stillness here. A calm. A moment of rest. A moment of silence even from the melodious song as the wind dies down. Then there's the buzzing of insects, the sound of a gun shot…life constantly moves forward. There are only small amounts of time where there is truly silence. In the silence though, my fingers tapping the keys seem so loud- dancing to its own tune.

I encourage you- take time to be still; to listen to the wind, the birds, and the insects. Take time to listen for the quiet whisper of God. Look for and have expectancy that He would show Himself to you. As I type this the sun grows brighter through the clouds. Coincidental? Maybe, but maybe not. I pause and close my eyes and  feel it on my face. I soak it up. It gets brighter and brighter as my eyes are closed and I am just breathing and listening and letting the light shine upon me. It is warm. It feels good.

I have spent the last few years seeking God and feeling like He hasn't been here. I choose to look for ways that maybe He is and maybe He has been trying to show me all this time and I have missed it.

I also want to find a way to honor Chris in my life; a way to feel him with me every day. I hear a peacock in the distance. For some reason it makes me think of him when he was littler. I still can hear his voice calling my name “Sissy.”

My brother's grave.

My view at his grave site.

My brother, whom I miss every day!

Tough Stuff...

Over the last 8 years, it seems life has continuously been grievous for me. I have had small moments of rest before the next wave hits, but I sit this morning reflecting on it all and seeking the Lord on how to learn to have joy and be steadfast as the waves continue to come. We were never promised ease. We were never promised things would go right this side of heaven. For we all have the freedom to choose. That is part of the love God has given to us. He doesn't make us do things. He allows us to choose. Our choices do carry much weight though. There is a quote I heard some time back that I thought was so good, it says:

"You have the freedom to choose your actions, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of your actions." 

Near the start of this lengthy season, there was a scene from a movie that I had heard. It is a scene I have went back to time and time again because it carries so much truth in it. I find myself listening, reminded of my limits, and the only thing I really can do is love. It is a scene that as the truth is spoken, it brings a bit of despair because as you take it in, you realize there is not much that you can do to help those you love. This is grievous in my heart. I want with every part of my being to help those who are veering off the straight and narrow path. Maybe it is because I briefly detoured right out of high school, and I learned very quickly that the only life worth living was one walked with Jesus. Maybe it has to do with the part of me that hates seeing hurt, that hates to see suffering. Maybe it's because I just care too much. Regardless, I have learned that we can't help those who don't want to help themselves, or say they do, but don't choose it with action.
I find myself in this familiar place again. Here is the video- it is worth watching! If you cannot pull it up- I included the words spoken in it below. It is from the movie: "The River Runs Through It"

https://dotsub.com/view/d4b7b060-e444-4a1f-a0d1-c8f66d208aca

I remember the last sermon I ever heard my father give, not long before his own death:"Each one of us here today will, at one time in our lives, look upon a loved one in need and ask the same question: We are willing Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true that we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give, or more often than not, that part we have to give... is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us... But we can still love them... We can love—completely—even without complete understanding..."

My pursuit will be love. It is a tough pursuit, for love is difficult. It isn't the warm fuzzy feeling we often think it is. We have a definition of it in 1 Corinthians, but really the full description is shown in all 66 books and to fully grasp all love encompasses, we must read it all to have a complete definition. For love disciplines, love forgives, love withholds sometimes, love rebukes. As I have walked these past 8 years, I have seen one relationship after another be ruined. This is watching the consequence of the free choice made. I have learned through the ups and downs that love is about boundaries sometimes. We will continue to learn new things about love as we walk with the Lord and remain in the Word and live it out. There is no greater depth for us to discover than love. It is also easily the most misunderstood word in our world today. Many things done today, in the name of love, are not at all what love is. So Lord help us learn how to love like you. I pray we would draw near to you and learn how you love us. Thank you for your love that gave your life for us. May we have hearts that desire your ways and may our actions show our hearts are fully yours.

May we be lovers of Jesus and a lovers of people! Nothing else matters! 

Opening Back Up...

It has been a long journey...

A lonely journey mostly because of the silence I have experienced with the Lord. I have doubted, I have pleaded, I have sat silently for days waiting to hear a soft whisper or at least feel the Holy Spirit alive in me. It has been a stale, sometimes hopeless silence.

Lifeless, empty, anxious...

I have had encouragement along the way that a breakthrough is going to happen and this wintery season will end. In the spring I even had a glimpse of what my life looked like as I saw this tree one day. The tree was blooming the beautiful spring flowers ever so slightly, yet the tree looked quite dead. I took a picture of it (well I had my daughter take the pict since I was driving). Later as I looked at it- I noticed the scene around it- the clouds in the background were gray and dark, but the tree was trying to fight through to the next season. I treasured the picture and had it as my phone cover through most of the summer. However darkness has remained and I have learned a contentment in it, but it has taken a toll. Fear creeps in from time to time, but more than that my longing and need for the Lord is like a parched soul thirsting for water.

I wait...

It has been hard to open back up. I use to live open and free- sharing all my struggles and serving when ever I could. I have withdrawn for surival's sake. I have put up walls to protect as the wounds seemed to continue to come...

A new struggle has begun though- in the past three weeks our lives have been turned upside down again. My oldest child started having seizures. We are still not sure why- waiting for specialists to see us and in the mean time she seizes almost daily. This is one of the hardest things I have experienced in my life and all the things I have learned through my grief is helping me now. I am living moment by moment. I am letting go of all that I need to let go of. I am surrendering to God's will as painful as it is- I do pray He takes this cup from us, but I am praising Him through the pain this time. That is something I was not able to do with the loss of my brother. The first song my daughter asked to worship to was "I Will Praise You in this Storm" and it was one of the precious moments we have had through this very hard time.

This week she had a tonic clonic seizure- also known as a grand mal seizure. I thought she was dying and as I stood there seeing how fleeting life is and crying out for mercy, I witnessed a sweet love as her boyfriend was over her speaking kind words and kissing her tenderly and being so brave. It brings tears to my eyes just writing it. The most precious things can come at the same time we are in the most painful, scary times. It is all so bitter sweet, but I keep holding on to those sweet blessings as we move through this.

My husband shared some wise words with me as I lay crying on his chest one night this past week... I was upset because I just wanted to feel Jesus and if I could just feel Him I would be ok and he said, "No Rose, you don't have to feel Him, you just know He is here. That is all you need."

Just Know He is Here... That is hard sometimes as your world is crumbling and He seems silent.

Just Know He is Here... It doesn't mean the pain leaves. It doesn't mean I sleep at peace each night. We are in a trial. There is sorrow and suffering. Our prayers don't always get the answer we want and rarely do they get the timing we want.

Jesus asked for a cup to be taken from Him too. He was overwhelmed with sorrow. He battled through it and surrendered to the Father's will. He understands our struggle. He knows our pain. We just need to know He is here.

I don't know what tomorrow holds. I pray for healing. I know the Lord heals. I know we might not experience that. Regardless of the outcome- I pray for strength to endure and that I will continue to say- You give and take away Lord. I don't know which you will do in this situation, but I choose to trust you.
I may struggle in that sometimes, but I will battle through and find my way back to Him and I know if I lose my way- He will come after me- for He is my shepherd and I am a sheep in His pasture.

Marisa having an EEG done.

My treasure one evening in the midst of this trial- sisters being goofy together.

Comforting my sweet child the first week it all began- and Diesel the sweetest little dog. :)

Quiet Grief

We have hit the two year mark of my brothers unexpected and unnecessary death. I have learned a lot about grief in these past two years. I have walked through the different stages and continue to walk them. I have struggled in deep waters emotionally, spiritually, and physically through this time. I also have seen life move forward, as it always does, as I knew it would from the moment the news reached my ears. Life is different now though.

 

Life will forever be different.

 

The majority of this road of sorrow has taken place in the quiet, behind closed doors. There are two days a year you feel free to speak out about it- his birthday and his death anniversary. His birthday is New Years Eve- and most are celebrating. So this is the day I will speak about it~ the day I will shout out to my little world- 

 

I MISS HIM SO MUCH STILL!

 

I still think about him every day. I still fight back tears at moments notice, when something triggers a thought or memory- unexpectedly- of him. I still beg God for a vision that he is in heaven.

 

There are lessons I am learning as I move forward day by day-

 

First- as I read the Word there is comfort. God is faithful to comfort through His Word.

 

Second- Life is precious, influence is huge. I wish parents, siblings, and friends grasp this to the depth it should be grasp. Your influence can make a difference- does make a difference. For good or evil is determined by your choices.

Third- Acceptance with Joy- as Hinds Feet on High Places says- I have walked along the Sea of Lonliness, my only companions were Sorrow and Suffering and in that place I learned Acceptance with Joy.

It is not easy, it is not fun. It is necessary to continue to move forward and heal.

 

 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33

 

 

We will all go through loss in life. Just know when you do, you aren't alone. Even as the world moves on, the Lord is near those broken and He does tend our wounds. That doesn't mean the sorrow stops or the pain ceases, but He will be with us even in the deep places and the quiet grief we continue to walk.

 

Love hurts

I sit and glance through photos. My heart is filled with a mix of sorrow and gladness. It is a bittersweet thing and I am not sure I like it or want to continue looking and endure it all.

Now I realize I am still healing from much brokenness, but pictures (and videos) have been a big part of my life. I could be called the historian of the family. I love capturing memories with the cameras and we have been a home that has viewed family videos over and over. It is now intermixed with a sorrow that I believe will remain and grow as I continue to journey on this earth.

I have journaled so many things I am going through in my heart just this morning. I think things are surfacing more as they have been so deep for so long. I can barely keep up with it all at moments. As I look through the photos that is what begins to happen. I am overwhelmed with floods of emotions from one extreme to the other. I see longings unmet or destroyed. I see faces that I can't call up or hug anymore. I see relationships that have deteriorated due to life choices and I just set the photos down.

I learned a word this week and I have it written on my mirror in the dining room- it is "panpharmacon." It means the medicine for all wounds or diseases. I have read it over and over again and have meditated on the meaning. Jesus is our panpharmacon. He isn't like most medicines we take. He doesn't disguise the pain or temporarily relieve it. It is a process because He heals from the inside out. It is at times more painful than you think medicine should ever be. We want the quick fix. We have become the fast food society- the fast pace techno people. God forbid we sit through a commercial on tv anymore- we want to skip through it. And those darn red lights when we are driving! ha! So annoying. So yes, when our Physician seems to be worsening our condition- it is hard to take in. It literally is hard to breathe in at times. For it seems there is no pain reliever in this all consuming medicine. 

Maybe we learn more when we feel the pain. Maybe the pain is exactly what we need, to be more like Him. He suffered tremendously for us. So as we face the coming seasons we all will, inevitably, face. Let's remember that Jesus is the one medicine we need. He is our panpharmacon. It may seem like and hurt like hell, but He is there with us- even when we can't feel Him. I am convinced of this though, personally, I have not felt Him near very often these past two years.

Love hurts. It is what drove Jesus to Calvary for you and for me. It hurt to hang on that cross. It hurt to have a time of separation from God Almighty, His dad whom He knew from the beginning. He didn't allow the pain to stop Him. It was love that drove Him there. Lord may your love drive us to do the things you have for us to do. May your love and the hurt that comes with it not make us bitter, but better people. May we allow you to be our panpharmacon. May we turn to you and you alone.

Five Minute Friday: Fly

I think of the way a bird glides through the air.
Freedom is what "fly" makes me think of.

Such a peaceful view- it seems nearly effortless as a bird flies over head.
How wonderful it is- that feeling of freedom.

As I get older I have to fight more for this freedom.

Interesting how we can get stuck in a rut, and find we've bound ourselves either by hurts we have had or rules we think we need to follow. There are many other reasons we stop living in freedom-

but we must remember
we must remind each other

We are free! We have Jesus and he came to set us free. We can fly like eagles or waddle like ducks- it is our choice.

So lets fly in the freedom of Christ and enjoy each day in His freedom. He wants that, I want that, don't you?



http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/

The Honey Jar...

It isn't that I have overlooked the fact that I have guarded this honey jar. It is a silly thing- I know. Yet it seems to be so important to me and as it is nearly gone- I just have such a sadness in me about it being emptied.


Honey isn't necessarily my most favorite thing. I like it mixed with butter for rolls and I love it in tea when I have a sore throat. I have kept this jar and held it back as much as possible. I have even prayed that it would never run out. It is though. In fact the jar is nearly empty and even as I type that my heart aches.

My girls have been sick over the past two weeks and so we have made a lot of tea and used the remainder of the jar of honey. As I scoop up a spoonful for their cups, I talk it out, "It is ok Rose, this isn't what you are really missing. Let it go." And I will, I know.

It disappearing is just another part of what once was, still slipping away.

See it isn't about the honey really. It is about what it means, or rather where it came from. It was given to me by my mom and it belonged to my brother. So it is like a piece of him that I still have had. We would talk about teas and make a cup when he would visit. And so my heart grieves some more as the last bit of his honey is being used up. He would have used it up months ago- he didn't savor things for later.

Though I would never have thought a jar of honey could be so valuable to me, I have to say with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat- it has been a prized thing in my home and this week it will be in the trash- empty and no more.

In all my self-talk to help me through the down moments, and my silly attachment to a honey jar,the truth of it all is- I just miss him so much. I know so many of you have someone you miss too. Praying God's healing hands on our hearts today.