Chaos In My Head...

As I am moving through the house this morning folding laundry, doing dishes, restocking bathroom supplies, etc. my mind is going on all these tangents in regards to others. Some are prayers on their behalf, others are one-sided conversations in my head, and through it all- my desire is to figure out the right thing to do or to encourage someone else to do. In the midst of all this chatter in my head, I see where my heart needs work, where I am not as patient or loving as I ought to be. So then I am confessing this and starting to feel this weight of impossibility of victory in this life.

Well worship music was going on in the background and the song, "I Surrender" came on and it was like the Lord just spoke this into my thoughts at just the right time and I realized that my prayer for all the chaos going on- whether it be in my own life or in those lives close to me- it really is simply to surrender...

Surrender to His will, which does seem more complex at times, but it is to love...when we don't know what to do- love...drop to our knees before Him, be desperate for Him...

Lord have your way in me, cuz I want to know you more.

I hear the words...and know that we sing this and mean it, but then things come up and we want our way...we stop choosing surrender...

It is a process, I get that. 

It is a battle, I experience it daily. 

It is a constant choice that I fail to make at times. 

However as the chaos ping-pongs back and forth in my head, I realize, I can be still before the Lord and it may take some time, but I can quiet my mind before Him and remember my decision of surrender, and remind myself that He has all things under His reign and He is Sovereign. It still is hard to accept things at times- when your child is ill and no one can tell you why for sure, but give their best guess...when people you love cause you harm...but it is possible. One day we will be with Him and see Him as we long to. 

Until that day I pray for an increasing ability to be surrendered to Him. 

An increase in the ability to love like He loves. 

An increase in understanding His love for me.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/buzzvine/7-inspiring-bible-verses-about-gods-love-for-us-125330/#UF7yLrC05HI883Jo.99

Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/buzzvine/7-inspiring-bible-verses-about-gods-love-for-us-125330/#4uwO9TEE0AoJ7IzW.99

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love.He will rejoice over you with singing."

A Moment of Surrender...

As the waves of struggle continue, I have seen my many short comings, felt true loneliness, and experienced being fully worn out from emotional exhaustion. There is no way to count the times I have heard those near me say, "Let it go..." My response is, "Please show me how to do this practically!" I want to let it go. I want to care less for the betterment of all and my own health. I seem to be wired differently though. I seem to care too much. I don't say this in any way to put a notch on my credentials, for I have found that it really isn't a notch up as much as it is a spiral down much too often. I am just sharing this all to be fully vulnerable before you because there is something great I have to share.

My marriage has been struggling. (no that is not the great share, haha) Of course in the midst of all the turmoils over the past many years, it would be silly to think it wouldn't. And as those close to me would testify- we didn't have a fairy tale start, so not a big surprise. Like all relationships the fault lies on both parts and the intent of this blog isn't to discuss my marriage...again just shedding light on the picture.

For years now I have felt very distant from the Lord. I keep trying to find my way back and at times I rest in where I am at but I desire more...so much more! Recently there have been these moments that something from the past is brought to my present and it is like a movie screen before my eyes as if I am watching parts of my life...times where I was sure the Lord was leading me...the place I have longed to be again.

Well this morning was one of those moments. I opened the Scripture randomly and it fell open to 1 Corinthians 7... (if a light isn't going off in you as to what this Scripture is...pause and give it a quick glance). I read it knowing it was what I needed to take in and as I came to the end of it, I just closed my eyes and took some deep cleansing breaths...something I have learned to do in such a way that it is very relaxing in my times of anxiousness. ;) As I did this, the Lord brought me back to a time in 1997 where I had surrendered my marriage before Him and committed to walk the rest of my days in obedience to Him and not seek my own way in it...something I have stopped doing in the midst of my lengthy season of struggles.

As I sat there, eyes closed...(the great part)... I felt a true moment of surrender. I felt the Lord near. For a moment I experienced a sense of hope again. Oh how wonderful it was to sit there and rest in that inner peace I have longed for. Let me say...I have sat still many times and the weight remains, the heaviness is upon my heart, but this morning was different. This morning I felt a victory I haven't felt in a very long time.

For a moment, I was able to "let it all go." The battle will war on...I am fully aware of that, but the reminder of Him and His love makes it all worth it, and the strength I felt in that moment reminded me that though I am weak, He is strong and will work His plan in my life. The reminder of what I laid down over 20 years ago brought newness to my current situation at a time I really needed it.

I hope you will take the 6 1/2 minutes to watch this worship video! The words and video are so powerful! Use this moment to re-surrender...or maybe for the first time ever, surrender your heart fully before the Lord.

Things Don't Last...

This past week I have had my hair straightener stop working, the dishwasher start leaking onto the floor, and just this morning- my Swiffer floor vacuum is definitely done doing its job! All in just  5 days! So I have had poofy hair for the past 4 days, been washing dishes by hand for the past 3 days, and starting today...it is back to the 'ol broom and dustpan to clean the floors...

Early this morning as I was doing last night's dishes, I was trying to just be content in doing them. As my hands were in the hot sudsy water, I thought on things I was thankful for...the many things we have in our lives today that we take for granted. Over Memorial Day weekend this past May, our hot water heater quit working and we learned to appreciate hot water at the turn of the faucet...so this morning, I was thankful I had hot water. Many other things around me are still working well...so I was thankful for the coffee pot and the electricity that is helping keep our home cool through these summer months. All of these things are temporary though...some day they will break down as well.

I, too, have been like these things. I have shut down through tough times and stopped doing the things I was created to do. I have not kept myself conditioned or maintained as well as I ought to have. Even if I had, the truth is our bodies and minds don't last. We can eat the best foods and exercise just the right way and as often as we ought to, but we are not going to last forever.

Presently I am helping with my Aunt, who has recently found out she has cancer and was given 2-6 months to live. Walking along side her, I am gleaning wisdom that I want to apply to life now. I have found it interesting how often one waits until they are dying to truly start living. I have seen this before and it is common enough there are songs and cliche sayings on it. We spend a lot of our time...wasted. I see it in my own life. Sometimes it is because we fill it with so many things that we don't enjoy the simplicity in front of us. Other times we squander the time and do nothing. Today one of the biggest time zappers is the technology at our finger tips. I am guilty of this as well. However, in the midst of this season my aunt is in, it has once again reminded me of the importance of purposeful living.

Things don't last...our time on earth will not last...take time to think about what is important...what is it that matters most to you if you were given 2 months to live and do those things! I believe it is a much wiser way to live than to live like you have all the time in the world. Of course I know greater things await, but when I come to the end of my life here (however soon that may or may not be), I want to look back and feel like I lived my life purposefully. What does that look like for your life? I hope you go after it, starting today!

It Is What It Is...

This has become a very popular catch phrase. We go through life and there are so many times that the circumstance or the situation just is what it is and you gotta give in to it or at least learn to accept or tolerate or not let it drive you crazy- right! It is a bit of a hopeless phrase though- for it is facing a thought that there is nothing more that can be done about whatever "it" is.

I have been thinking a lot about how God reveals Himself to us. I have been asking Him where He was during some really tough times in the past four years of my life that has had my faith really shaky...where He was with me in those dark moments as I cried out and wailed even at times for Him. He appeared to have abandoned me in my darkest hours and that has caused me struggle. I have walked through this time trying to adapt to this "it is what it is" mentality but my soul struggles to accept this. God's word says He will never leave us nor forsake us. That He is close to the broken-hearted and contrite in spirit. His word also says as I draw near to Him He will draw near to me and all I have been doing for months is drawing near to Him. All I did in the most fearful, dreadful places I have walked was cry out to the only One who could rescue me. Yes I survived the nights, but my spirit, my soul, my heart have taken some major hits. I keep choosing to believe, choosing to trust He is near, and I am still before Him knowing He is God and waiting on His movement in my life.

So as I was driving home this morning after dropping Keira off at school, this all surfaced in my mind. I cannot believe that it is what it is. I cannot believe that God wasn't with me. I cannot believe that the way it has appeared is true because that doesn't align with God's word and His word is TRUTH. So my vision has been limited, my heart has been damaged and unable to feel Him near me. This is the only thing that would fit with His word.

My hope today is that it isn't what it seems, but that He is who He says He is and so I will choose to hold on to that truth and I will continue to ask Him to show me where He has been in my season of sorrow and times of true loneliness.

My verse right now is Jer 17:7-8 and though I didn't think about it as I began this entry, it is so fitting...for my hope is the Lord- that is one thing that I am sure of. In my darkest hours as well as my most ecstatic moments- it always comes back to Jesus in me. Whether I am curled up in the fetal position groaning and  crying or something purely wonderful has happened and my soul wants to scream from the mountain tops- I LOVE YOU JESUS! He is my hope. Whether He shows up in my trials or not- I know that my life is His and though I doubt and am weak- I know He still loves me and that is all I truly need.

Blessed is he who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope IS the Lord. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters which stretches out its root by the river, and will not fear when heat comes but its leaf will be green and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Heart Beats Again...

I was honored to hang with my oldest daughter today in between her two jobs. I admire her for many reasons. 
One, though she can get down- she battles her way back to positive thinking and finds good in every situation. 
Two, she has continued living and moving forward as best she can though we have had no sure diagnosis with her health issues (not gonna lie- sometimes she does too much, but at least she is living). 
Three, today has been a very important day in her life the past four years. This year it could have been devastating. She had every right to wallow and be sad or upset...but not this girl. She worked this morning and again this evening, studied for a test in between and put together a little birthday party to bless a friend after her shift tonight. 

Life has been hard these past 8 1/2 months as her world was fully turned upside down. Beginning again is scary at any age and she has done it in a mostly remarkable way. It has been difficult- not gonna candy coat it, but I saw her heart beating again today and for a mom who has hurt along side of her- that was joy to my own heart.

I dropped her off at work and as I drove home this song came on. I have loved the song but today I heard it and thought of her and so I dedicate it to her today.

Marisa your heart is beating again- living again- not just surviving and I am so proud of you for fighting through. You went through the pain and are coming out the other side shining bright. 

Jer 29:11 " "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope." "

Vulnerability...

4/30/16

So I write all the time in my private journal...writing is therapy for me, and I have always said I would like to write a book, yet what am I doing to accomplish that? I keep thinking I need a mentor to walk along side of me, but there has yet to be one knock on my door, so I sit in this place of having time on my hands, yet feeling like I am riding these waves of emotion and they go from excitement and being willing, to fear and doubt...

Allowing myself to be vulnerable has become really hard to do. Four years ago today, life forever changed and though I have accepted the losses that took place, they have changed me to my core. Before then I was more naive maybe is the best way to describe it?? I would write things out and post them after editing some, but really had this inner confidence. Today it is not that way. It is so difficult to put myself out there. There are days, like today, that I am so filled with anxiety and just making it through the day is hard that the thought of opening myself up for others to criticize is the last thing I want to do.

Anyway, each year around the day my brother died, I have tried to do something in his honor. I will also say that each year the thing I have done has either not accomplished what I hoped it would or was not received by the person I reached out to. This year I hadn't come up with anything and so as I have felt this familiar inner torment, I started thinking maybe this year I should do something for me in his honor. I write this thinking that it could also be an utter failure as the past three years have shown to be, but I have heard a lot on failure lately and really- failure isn't the worst thing...not trying is.

So this year I am going to work on being more vulnerable...specifically in my writing. Funny thing is hardly anyone reads my blog, so it seems like I would be more open, but it is the point that it becomes public that stands in my way...the point that it is out there for others to read. So hopefully a year from today I will be able to say I didn't fail, but either way- I will be able to say that I tried.

I miss you Chris, so much and so this year I will write in honor of you. Losing you has changed me- some good and some not so good ways, but I have realized that love does this. We don't escape love without pain and I so love you and miss you and wish things would have been different, but they aren't. I pray I will see you again someday. I don't know if God fulfills this request, but I pray He tells you how much you are loved. 

And yes- it still took me two extra days to post this, but hey...I am doing it. 

Nevertheless...

This is a journal entry I wrote a little while back. Wanted to post it today and hope that it helps someone else who might be struggling with a long trial that hasn't been resolved. Though we still struggle, He does still sit on the throne and one day we will understand, but until then...may we serve Him, may we seek for our perspective to be altered by Him.

We made it nearly a month of being seizure free and I am so thankful for this. That came to an end though with a 4 1/2 min seizure that brought us all back to the stark reality that this isn't over yet. In the midst of the updates shared on social networking, there has been other stresses going on like those rhythmic waves I shared about in a previous post. We know this is life. Hence the familiar saying, "When it rains, it pours" because it seems to be the way it goes. These past few months have been no different.

So I have spent my time doing what I can do...trying to rest, praying much, and doing what needs done day by day. A friend sent me a book about rest some time back, and I read through that gleaning anything I could find to help me. I have these adrenaline rushes that hit me sporadically and so I am working through these as they come upon me, many times in the early morning hours, and many nights- like last night- I don't sleep but a few hours.

As I have been battling through this time, I have begged God for mercy, for His presence. I've heard we ought not to beg God, but that is who I am and where I am right now...a beggar at his feet, praying for strength, but more than that, praying for His presence to touch me or move in me. Over the past month, I was reading in Daniel and when I came to the familiar story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego I just read the words over and over. I prayed they would penetrate to the marrow of my bones and that I would live this out in my life:

"our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace...but if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods..." Dan. 3:17-18 

In my side margin I had written "even if he doesn't come through" -this is the work the Lord is doing in my heart. We sing words like, "though none go with me, still I will follow", "all to Jesus, I surrender", etc. We don't truly grasp it a lot of times though. I believe it is impossible to grasp when life is good. This is my opinion from experience. It is easy to say in good times- I surrender...it is mere words with no action.

The rubber has skid all over the road for me as I walk through this time of unknown health issues and fear consumes me at times, among the myriad of other storms that have come upon us in this time. I am depleted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nevertheless, I know God is able to deliver me, deliver my children, deliver my marriage, deliver our finances...
but even if he doesn't let it be known that I still serve Him.

I write that and inhale a huge breathe...

As I exhale I am at rest in this moment. I know I will rise from this little space in my closet where I am writing this out and the battles of the day await. I may forget the statement I wrote at times, but it is taking firm root inside of me and so it will be a permanent part of me. I have always loved the stories in Daniel and I have cried out for the God of Daniel and the God of Elijah to show up for me in these tough times. I haven't been put in a den of lions, or a fiery furnace- literally- but my trials feel like this at times and I am here-awaiting rescue by the same God. I have felt beat up and on the brink of insanity a few times- and I will honestly say, I wasn't sure he was going to deliver me, but even if he didn't or with upcoming things- even if he doesn't- He is still whom I will serve every day I have breathe.

Anyways may we continue to rejoice in hope, be patient in our trials, and be steadfast in prayer. Let us remember who sits on the throne and when we find ourselves sinking with the things in this world, let us cry out to the God who can deliver and may we declare with boldness: nevertheless even if you do not deliver us, I will still serve you, love, you, trust you, and cling to you with what ever amount of energy and strength I have.

Love this song! Check it out!